How to Love Your Body in 3 "Easy" Steps

Part 2

Last March I wrote a post called “How to Love your Body in 3 ‘Easy’ Steps” where I described my own journey with body shaming and self-loathing, and 3 steps that I found useful to come out of it. I wanted to revisit this idea as New Year’s Resolutions might be starting to falter. In this essay there aren’t actually 3 more steps, but more “food for thought.”

It can be hard to love your body when billion dollar industries tell you that you shouldn’t. If people, all over the world, began loving their bodies just as they are, many economies would come crashing down. And yet…

There is power in loving the body that you have, no matter what it looks like. My body is currently bigger than feels comfortable, but I can still love it. I can care for her, give her what she needs, and love her regardless of her outside appearance. I believe this is part of accepting myself as I am, both inside and out. It’s a process of letting go, shedding old beliefs about what a body “should” look like, and embracing what is.

As I wrote in part 1:

I have let go of the idea of a "perfect" body, and can love and appreciate the body that I have. When the numbers go up on the scale, it's not an indication of a change in my self worth. I might have deeply enjoyed some ice cream or cookies. Perhaps I am premenstrual. I might need to drink more water. Maybe I should stop weighing myself because the numbers on the scale don't matter. They have nothing to do with who I am as a person. I now love my imperfect body just as she is. And that is enough.

Letting go of perfection

I believe that body shaming (our own or someone else’s) and perfectionism go hand in hand. The idea is that if your body isn’t perfect, you are not enough. You are lazy, or undisciplined, or something else that adds to your “not enoughness” keeping you in shame and despair.

It’s common to compare yourself to athletes and movie stars who have a “perfect” body, but what you see on the screen isn’t how they normally look. It is the product of months of training, eating extremely restrictive diets, plus having the support of trainers, nutritionists, chefs, and more.

I remember reading about Jennifer Garner talking about what it was like training for Elektra. It was extreme, and she said it wasn’t something that was sustainable for the long term. The hours of exercise every day on top of a severely restrictive diet gave her that amazing body you see on screen, but it’s not real. Not even for her.

When you let go of trying to fit yourself into an “ideal” package, it sets you free. When you can fully embody the body that you have, just as it is, then no matter what it looks like, you can still love yourself. The size can change, and you love yourself regardless. And when you reach this state of self-love, you have choice.

You have choice over whether you want to change something or not. You are not constantly battling the shame monster inside of you, this choice comes from a place of love. When fear is your driving force (fear of being unlovable, fear of being shamed, fear of being not enough/too much), it feels terrible, and it keeps you in shame. No lasting change came out of shame.

What is Shame?

What is shame and why does it keep us so stuck? Brene Brown, a PhD social worker who researches shame and vulnerability, has this to say about shame:

Based on my research and the research of other shame researchers, I believe that there is a profound difference between shame and guilt. I believe that guilt is adaptive and helpful—it’s holding something we’ve done or failed to do up against our values and feeling psychological discomfort.

I define shame as the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging—something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection.

I don’t believe shame is helpful or productive. In fact, I think shame is much more likely to be the source of destructive, hurtful behavior than the solution or cure. I think the fear of disconnection can make us dangerous. ~ From her article “Shame vs Guilt” from 1/15/13

If you feel guilty about overeating or eating something that’s not good for you, it’s simply a reminder that you want to make different choices. With guilt you can forgive yourself and see that it is a behavior that you can change.

Unfortunately shame is harder. Messages from shame affect who you are as a person. Shame says “I am bad” instead of “I did something bad.” Of course there is no “good” or “bad” when it comes to food, only choices that benefit us physically and/or emotionally, and ones that don’t. I don’t believe in labeling foods as “good” or “bad,” as that attaches shame to certain foods, making you feel worse about yourself when you eat them. Nobody needs that.

There are so many messages we receive directly and indirectly as children that affect how we manage eating and how we feel about our body as adults. Learning about the messages and beliefs that you hold as truths is key to unhooking yourself from them. If you don’t know why you eat “too quickly”or “too much” you won’t be able to stop. It’s the same with why you do or don’t exercise. These messages are subconscious but drive your behavior like an unseen chauffeur.

Explore your beliefs

Exploring these beliefs can be challenging. You may need help from a therapist to navigate deeper traumas, but I have found that many beliefs can be uncovered through journaling and meditation.

I love using these two techniques together, as one often informs the other. Each is useful in and of itself, but when you combine the two it’s even more powerful. I usually start with meditation and then journal, but they could be done in either order. For me, I need to get still and quiet first. Once my body and mind are settled, wisdom bubbles to the surface. That’s when I turn to writing, to get down everything that flows through my mind and heart.

It’s through writing that I have been able to uncover my beliefs about myself. Fully setting down my perfectionism and embracing myself just as I am was a process of letting go of beliefs that stemmed from other people’s opinions. When I focus on what I think and feel, I gain clarity and a way through.

Where I am now

Right now I don’t feel as comfortable in my body as I want to feel. Part of it is perimenopause, part is my indulgences over the holidays. How I feel is not based on other people’s opinions of how I should look, but how I feel in my body as I move.

I can still love my body and want to feel better in it. That’s what I am working on right now. I don’t have a number on the scale or a clothing size in mind, I am focusing on my mindset and noticing how I relate to food and exercise.

I notice when I am walking into the kitchen when I am not actually hungry. I pause, breathe, and decide if I am actually thirsty, lonely, bored, tired, or something else. In that pause, I regain power over myself and can choose what to do next.

Sometimes I grab some tea, or decide to go for a walk. Sometimes I notice that I am actually hungry and grab something nourishing. Because I am focusing on how I feel, there is no shame causing me to eat emotionally. I am tuning into my physical hunger cues and letting my body guide me toward what to do next. When I eat, it’s intentional, mindful, and on purpose. The choices I make are mine. I feel empowered.

Do you struggle with loving your body? Please know, you are not alone and it’s not your fault. You can choose to love your body, even if you are over 50, have “insulation” on your thighs or belly, or don’t meet the unattainable ideal created by the industries that thrive on keeping you feeling like you are not enough. They are wrong. I see you. You are enough, just as you are.

What has your experience been with loving/hating your body? Has that view changed over time? As you age, is it harder or easier to love your body? Please comment below. We can all benefit from what you share.

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