We are our own worst critics. There is no one meaner or more judgmental toward us than we are. How can we be happy, or even content, when there is constant criticism coming from “inside the house?”
Think about it. If someone was abusing you verbally, you’d walk away (hopefully) and never look back. But if that someone is you, you can’t walk away. The only thing you can do is change the conversation.
If you are anything like me (Type A, recovering perfectionist), criticism leads to shame. Constructive criticism is fine, but that judgmental voice that tells you you did something wrong, you aren’t good enough, you are failing, etc, that sends you into a shame spiral. You feel small, isolated, and useless.
But whose voice is that?
Ask yourself whose criticism is that really? Did it come from a parent or teacher telling you that you weren’t good enough, or smart enough, or you were too loud or in the way? I have found that my inner critic isn’t really me, but an accumulation of other voices I took on through life. Or false beliefs that I formed based on other people’s behaviors and what I took them to mean.
“She’ll probably say no, so I won’t even ask. I don’t deserve it anyway.”
“I need something but I don’t want bother anyone. Instead of asking for help I’ll just figure it out myself.”
“I’m not loveable because I’m not perfect. Maybe if I try to be perfect, then I will be loveable.”
These are, of course, things that I have learned about myself as an adult. My child self didn’t have the words, just felt these things and behaved accordingly. Quiet, small, alone.
"Shame is that warm feeling that washes over us, making us feel small, flawed, and never good enough." ~Brene Brown
Brene Brown says that Shame requires 3 things to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence, and judgment. But when you douse shame with empathy, it cannot survive. Speaking to yourself with empathy gets you out of shame’s grasp and allows you to move forward.
I find meditation and journaling to be enormously helpful for digging out those beliefs that are holding me back. I sit in meditation, and notice how I feel. I just feel it without trying to figure it out.
I might feel a tightness in my chest or throat, maybe a heaviness, maybe a lightness, maybe something else. I simply notice the feeling and give it space to exist. Giving it space and acknowledgement usually releases it after a few minutes.
My tendency to numb my feelings with food or my phone is a way to suppress the feeling and push it down. This is only a temporary fix since the feeling is still there. Emotions are energy and they need to go somewhere. If it’s not being heard, it’s going to get louder until I pay attention. I find that feelings always win in the end, and not always at the most convenient times.
When you give your feeling space to exist, you acknowledge how you feel. Sometimes tears come, sometimes just a sign, sometimes nothing happens. When I create space and acknowledge the feeling, it releases in just a few minutes. Noticing your feelings rather than suppressing them is a lot less work in the long run.
Do you meditate? What does your practice look like? Do you journal or have a gratitude practice? Let’s start a discussion about meditation and what it has done for you. If you don’t meditate, why not? What is holding you back?
Join me for Meditation in March, a month long online program with guided meditation and journal prompts to help you feel your feelings and manage your “stuff.” Whether you are new to meditation and/or journaling or have been doing it for years, this program will support your practice. There is the added bonus of connecting to a community of open-hearted, growth oriented people for discussions, questions, and sharing insights. Click here for more information or to sign up.