Non-Attachment taught to me by my Phone
Lessons in Impermanence
I don’t have many vices. I don’t drink alcohol, I don’t smoke or do drugs. The only caffeine I take in is in the form of tea or dark chocolate, both of which I imbibe regularly. My one real vice is my phone. I try to keep doom scrolling to a minimum, but it’s the games I play on my phone that are really the problem.
In the past I have spent hours, numbing myself, absorbed in these ridiculous, mindless games. When I run out of “lives” in one game, I had up to 9 others to choose from. This could go on and on.
It was a constant struggle for me, as the dopamine hits were good. I would play upon waking before taking my son to school. I would play between teaching classes or between patients (I am an acupuncturist as well as a yoga instructor). I would play before bed, and sometimes get sucked in for much longer than was good for me. I went to sleep much too late for no good reason.
On the positive side, playing games gives my brain a chance to turn off. It’s a much needed break, as the Type A Workaholic is strong in me. On the down side, it takes away time from when I could actually be caring for and nourishing myself, giving myself what my body and mind actually need—rest. Playing games when you are tired doesn’t fix the problem. Sleep does.
In the past, if left to my own devices (pun intended), I would work until I literally couldn’t think anymore and had to stop. I have tamed my workaholistic behavior in the recent years, creating more space in my schedule where I can breathe and rest, but numbing is still a battle I wage. The difference between numbing and unwinding is profound.
When you numb your feelings, they build up inside you and you need more and more of the “numbing agent” to shove them down. Eventually nothing works and they explode everywhere, leaving you feeling shame and awfulness. When feel your feelings at the time you are having them, you can let them go, and they no longer burden you. Practices such as meditation and journaling can help you process your emotions in a safe and contained way, letting them dissipate.
Recently my phone was in desperate need of an upgrade. I may have dropped it a few too many times…The flickering screen would overheat and go white and I really couldn’t use it anymore the way I needed to. I use it to communicate with family, students, clients, and I run some of my business through my phone. I need it to function properly.
I got a new one and during the set up it magically transferred all of my apps from the old phone to the new one (I swear it’s magic…), and then it happened:
The games in which I had spent years progressing were gone. In previous upgrades I had signed into Facebook to keep my progress, but for some reason that didn’t work this time. So much time and effort completely gone. My 1600+ day playing streak in one game, over level 1000 in a many others, all gone. Evaporated. Like magic.
After feeling a moment of defeat, I decided to see this as an opportunity. This was my chance to practice Aparigraha, or non-attachment. Aparigraha is the 5th Yama, a set of principles which makes up the first limb of yoga (first of 8). I could spend time Googling how to get back to my saved progress, or I could release these games from my spirit, my brain, and my nervous system. I decided non-attachment was the way to go.
I uninstalled 7 games, leaving only 2. I could start these games over and it didn’t matter. The joy was in the playing, not the level. I am now giving myself the opportunity to play these games in a more mindful way, and allow myself the chance to enjoy them without being attached to the outcome, or to them.
I have also begun journaling on a more regular basis, rather than just “as needed”, and I am creating more space in my day to do things that nourish me: yoga, meditation, journaling, and walking. When I feel my feelings, I always feel better afterwards. And sometimes I just need to go to sleep.
How do you numb? What is your go to (or go tos)? How do you know that you are numbing? What do you do/have you done to change your behavior? Let’s get a conversation going!
A good read and rather pertinent to my life.