The Truth About Practicing Yoga As A Recovering Perfectionist
Hi, I’m Janine. I began my recovery from perfectionism in 2012, when I was 40. For most of my life I carried what Brene Brown calls the 20 ton shield of perfectionism. It kept everyone at arm’s length so that they didn’t see my myriad imperfections. I didn’t let anyone see my true self, because I wasn’t perfect, so why would anyone want to know or love me?
Iyengar Yoga
When I started practicing yoga at age 23, I fell into Iyengar Yoga. This style of yoga uses lots of props so that you can find each pose “perfectly and correctly” in your body. My teacher drilled alignment cues into me as I held each pose for what seemed like an eternity.
I was a dancer so I was used to having my body position corrected. This style of yoga at first felt comfortable and came naturally to me, my flexibility aiding me in my practice. My strength increased as I practiced and I relished the stability and balance that yoga gave me.
For some reason, being corrected in dance or yoga was acceptable to me. If someone corrected me in “real life,” I dropped into a shame spiral that I struggled to get out of. I could ruminate on criticism for weeks, months, or years, rehashing my mistakes, drowning in my own criticism and self-judgment. Welcome to perfectionism.
Getting Stuck
There was no real flow to Iyengar yoga, though there was an overall scope to the class, where the wisdom of each pose built upon the ones before. Breathing was a separate practice, and I often found myself holding my breath as my mind raced from body part to body part, trying to get my alignment “just right.”
This style of yoga was exactly what my perfectionist mind craved: learning and understanding the absolute correct way to practice. In reality, there is no one right way to practice yoga, but for me at that time, this style fed my need to be accurate and precise.
In the same way that my perfectionism stopped serving me, so did Iyengar yoga. The precision that I originally loved became like an anchor, as it held me back from letting go and finding freedom in my body and the poses. I felt stuck in my head, “shouting” orders at myself from above, rather than experiencing the poses from inside my body. I became my own drill sergeant, my body controlled and imprisoned by my mind. My yoga practice was increasing my stress, rather reducing it.
Finding Freedom
A year or so later I moved and joined a gym closer to where I lived. They offered Jivamukti yoga, a fluid form of Vinyasa yoga that used the breath to flow from one pose to the next. We did hold some of the poses for a few breaths, but the focus was connecting the breath to the movement. Iyengar yoga kept me in my head, while Vinyasa yoga dropped me into my body. I felt free.
Movement, breath, and flow. I understood pose alignment and could move through the poses comfortably and confidently. My body knew where it was supposed to be and I could instead focus on my breath. It took me about 6 months to breathe consistently through the whole practice, but when it finally clicked, I knew I was home. I felt fully in my body and out of my head.
I would float out of these classes, feeling calm and relaxed. My usual racing thoughts took a back seat to my new inner spaciousness. Even though we would flow from one pose to the next, there seemed to be more space between the poses and distance between my thoughts. This yoga practice emanated from my body, rather than my mind, creating room to move, to feel, and to be.
Now
Almost 30 years later I still practice Vinyasa (flow) yoga, adding my own creativity and flair to accommodate my aging body. While my practice looks a bit different than it did when I was in my 20s, the effect is the same: inner space, inner calm, and being able to be in my body just as it is.
The truth is, there is no perfect, and there never was. Letting go of my perfectionism released an albatross from around my neck and allowed me to love myself as I am. I accept that I am aging, and that I am perfectly imperfect. I approach each day and each yoga practice as it is and as I am. If I fall over, so be it. I keep practicing regardless, as I am able to be kinder and gentler with myself.
The next meeting of Sangha Sundays is this Sunday, October 27th at 6:30pm ET. Join me online to discuss Ahimsa/Non-Harming, and how you can be kinder and gentler with yourself. Click the button below for more information or to sign up. Paid Substack subscribers get a discounted rate on a Sangha Sundays Subscription!
I can relate to being plagued with perfectionism. Turning to alcohol to escape the barrage of demands to be perfect every day. I'm 9 months and 28 days sober today. But it has taken me since 2017 to recognize that I had a problem and remove myself from the drinking lifestyle. Your posts actually got me thinking about joining YOGA. So, I did try my first yoga class last week. What a life changer. I am a dancer too, so I am used to following choreography in my Zumba and Shine Fitness classes. Following a yoga instructor to move my body in every which way comes natural to me. What I didn't realize was how yoga is actually an athletic practice, along with an entire nervous system reboot. I even had tears in my eyes in my first class. So, thank you for the nudge in the direction of this practice. I will keep going and I am grateful for the instructors who teach this important class. Have a great weekend!
I too battle with perfectionism and it didn’t help I was in a career that demanded it. Finally my mental health forced me to retire early. I found a chair yoga group where we are either sitting or standing using the chair for support as needed. What’s been helpful for my perfectionism is that 1. The group is super welcoming and 2. Many are less lumber than me so there is a lot of encouragement to do what we can.
Thanks for your encouragement.