Why I Meditate, or Rather, Why I Want To...

My Why #3: Meditation

Out of all the practices that are part of my life, meditation is the one I practice the least. I came to it last on my yoga journey, but it is an incredibly powerful practice. So why don’t I do it more often? Herein lies the mystery…

Once upon a time, I never stopped moving. I had every moment of my day scheduled, rushing from one thing to the next without any extra time for anything. If a train broke down or I got delayed, my whole day was thrown off.

I didn’t see the point of meditation, my mindset being why would I sit still when I could be exercising? I didn’t know what I didn’t know, until I did. Years later, when I dropped into a meditation class, finally learned the power of stillness.

Stillness allowed me to stop avoiding myself. I could show up as my deeply imperfect self, and the world didn’t crumble around me. Nobody ran screaming from me when I expressed my feelings, when I cried, and when I shared of myself. I could be softer, putting down my “strong and perfect” facade, and showed my vulnerable insides.

Practicing meditation was like allowing water to still. The silt fell to the bottom and I could see clearly. The aching in my heart told me why it was there. “Little Janine” could speak and I could hear her. I heard her pain and grief, rather than numbing it away. My heart, that was protected by years of adding safety walls, started to open. I began to feel.

Seated in meditation, I do practice sometimes

So why don’t I meditate regularly?

It’s hard to feel all the things, all the time. I am a deeply feeling person, who now knows how to feel, and sometimes it’s too much. As an expert “numb-er” I don’t always want to feel all the things.

I spent a lot of my life shut down, as it felt safer not to feel. I believed that I was “too much” and that my feelings were “too big,” so I stuffed them down. As an adult, this is a familiar feeling that’s easy for me to fall back into when life get tough and my anxiety rises. I now know how to feel my feelings, but many days it’s still not my default.

Some days I can’t get out of my own way and would prefer to drown myself in peppermint patties and/or games on my phone. I stay up too late when I need to get to sleep. I stay in bed when I know it would feel better to move my body a bit before class. I know all the things I “should” do, but I don’t always do them.

Meditation can feel threatening if you are used to numbing. When I meditate, I feel all the things. I feel the grief, the loneliness, the frustration and give them space to exist as they are. Sometimes I don’t want to feel those things. Unfortunately, if I don’t, I won’t feel what I want to feel, like love, joy, and connection. Feelings are all or nothing that way. You feel them all, or you don’t feel anything.

Meditation, when I do practice it, gets me out of numbing and back into my body. It reconnects me with myself and allows me to be present in my life. I have never once regretted a meditation practice. It usually leaves me feeling grounded, peaceful, and whole. I am always grateful that I have this tool in my tool belt.

But I am an imperfect human who doesn’t always do what’s good for me.

I could start “shoulding” all over myself, that I should meditate more consistently, but thankfully I can let go of the shoulds. Yes, meditation is a powerful tool that helps me feel present and gets me in touch with myself. I find it easier to practice regularly when I am already somewhat regulated, but the true power is when I am dysregulated.

I teach meditation so I do practice once a week, but teaching is not quite the same as doing my own practice. I lead the practice, so I am in it to a certain extent, but I am the one controlling and guiding the meditation, and keeping tabs on the time. When I practice for myself, I surrender control to the moment and go wherever it takes me.

If I was going to judge myself, I would say that “this isn’t really practicing and you should practice daily/weekly on your own, like with your yoga practice.” I choose not to judge myself and allow my meditation practice to be there when I need it.

We practice when things are easy so that we have access when things are hard. I have practiced enough through my life that I can drop into meditation pretty easily when I need to. I keep reminding myself of this. For now, this is enough.

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Join me on the mat!

I teach Movement and Meditation online every Monday 8-8:40am EST, and according to my students, “it’s the best class ever!” 20 minutes of gentle yoga movement and stretching to release stiffness and physical crankiness, followed by 20 minutes of both guided and silent meditation to settle your mind and bring you back to yourself. The perfect start to the week! Click this link to sign up.

If you think you can’t meditate, read this free eBook that I wrote called “3 Myths About Meditation and Why it’s Easier Than You Think!” I bust 3 myths that you might think are true that are keeping you from trying meditation. Plus I include a free 6 minute guided meditation practice for you to try. Click this link for your free copy.

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Living Yoga: One Yoga Teacher’s Journey to Surrender

This book is part memoir, part yoga philosophy, and part practical actions that you can take to help you integrate your "off the mat" yoga practice more fully into your life. There are journal prompts at the end of each chapter to help you put these ideas into practice! This book is based on the series I wrote last spring on the Yamas and Niyamas, the first 2 limbs of yoga which teach us how to live our lives, off the mat, with more intention, kindness, and contentment. Click this link to check it out!

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