Why You Should Focus on What You Can Control

And sadly, we can't control much

There’s a lot of anxiety floating around these days as the world seems to be coming unglued. Anxiety comes from focusing on things over which you have no control, and sadly, that is most things.

You can’t control the weather, the traffic, or what other people do or say. All you can control are your own actions (most of the time) and how you respond to your thoughts (hopefully most of the time). What you do with your body is largely under your control, and that’s pretty much where the list ends. No wonder we’re so anxious all the time.

When you focus on things over which you have no control, it sends your mind spinning. I call it playing the “What If Game.” What if it rains? What if my boss doesn’t like what I did? What if my child fails their test? None of these things are within your control, yet these are the types of things that send you into a tailspin, if you are prone to anxiety.

Focus on what you can control

There is a lot happening in the world right now to send you off the proverbial cliff to Anxietyland. When you notice that your mind is spinning, you have a chance at stopping the spin. First awareness, then change. Without awareness, you lack the power over yourself to change anything.

What does anxiety feels like in your body? What signals does your body give you to let you know you’re anxious? You might feel tightness in your throat, chest, or head. Maybe you feel disconnected from your body completely, unaware that you even have a body. You might drop into tunnel vision or feel nauseated. Once you notice that you feel anxious, pause, breathe, and feel your feet on the floor. In order to stop the spin, you need to reconnect to your body.

Anxiety has an evolutionary purpose, but can also be a habit (unless caused by nutritional deficiencies or some other internal imbalance). Anxiety makes you hyper-aware, helping you escape danger and survive. These days, however, anxiety is less commonly caused by something life threatening and is more often a coping strategy that you’ve cultivated to survive emotionally.

Anxiety feels like you are powerless. Worrying about things you can’t control feels like you are doing something. You’re worrying, planning, “what iffing” in an unskillful attempt to gain control over an uncontrollable situation. Unfortunately this only keeps you spinning and doesn’t actually move you forward. What if you shifted your focus to something you can control?

I often tell my overachieving son when he’s worried about “failing” a test to focus on what he can control. He can study for the test. He can go over his answers a second or third time when he’s taking it. Then he needs to let go. Once the test is in the teacher’s hands, no amount of worry will change his score. He’s done all he can do, and now he’s done.

This is the same principle you can use for any worrisome situation. If you worry you’ll be late for a meeting, try to leave earlier. You can’t control the traffic you encounter, but you can control when you leave and how you respond when traffic hits. If you worry you won’t have time to find food during your workday, bring food with you. I bring my food with me to work every day, because I don’t have time between patients to go out and get anything. If you worry about how your spouse/significant other/friend/coworker will react if you bring something up that’s bothering you, all you can control is what you say. You have no control over anything your spouse/significant other/friend/coworker does or says. You need to state your case and then release.

Control what you can and let go of the rest. You will do the best you can and then you need to surrender and let go.

Having control vs controlling behavior

People who you view as controlling are usually incredibly anxious. They try to control their environment and the people around them as a way to feel more settled and calm in and of themselves. Because you can’t actually control other people (nor do they like you when you try), this behavior doesn’t work and mostly pisses people off.

I learned this the hard way growing up with a single mom. She was incredibly anxious about “doing it wrong” and making the wrong decisions for my sister and me. She took her anxiety out by trying to control everything we did. As a teen, I would get angry every time she’d tell me what to do, especially when I felt she wasn’t listening to what I wanted and honoring who I was. As an adult, I understand why she was the way she was. Because of the work I’ve done on myself, I can see her with compassionate eyes and have been able to do things differently with my kids.

The only person you can truly control is yourself. When you feel anxious, turn your attention inward and focus on you. You can’t control how loud a restaurant is going to be, and you can’t go around shushing everyone. If you are sensitive to sound, you can choose a smaller place and go at a time when there are fewer people eating.

If you find yourself feeling anxious, focus on what you can control. Over time, when you continue to focus on what you can control instead of what you can’t, you may find yourself less anxious over all. What you focus on grows. It takes practice, but it can make a huge difference in how you feel day to day.

Practice

There are many useful practices to help you learn to loosen your grasp on your own anxiety and/or controlling behavior. Once you notice that you feel anxious, it’s time to reconnect to your body. This can be done in many ways, and you get to figure out which works best for you.

Some possibilities: Move your body in some way. Maybe you practice yoga, go to the gym, or go for a walk. Take some deep slow breaths and feel the breath enter and leave your body. Stomp your feet on the floor, clap your hands, or mindfully slap your hands along your limbs and torso. Bring your awareness into your body in some way that works for you.

Photo by Fabian Møller on Unsplash

What I find simplest, and requires the least amount of equipment, is taking 5 deep slow breaths. These breaths move in and out through your nose as you fill and empty your body completely. As you inhale, feel the belly expanding, then the rib cage all the way up to the chest. Take in as much air as you can and then maybe a tiny bit more. Exhale slowly through the nose, pressing out every ounce of air you took in. Once you are empty, inhale again, repeating this process for a total of 5 times. This is called Dirga Breath or Three-part Breath. I have a video of that here:

Try to keep your neck, shoulders, and jaw relaxed as you breathe. Notice if you lift your shoulders as you inhale, or breathe solely into your chest. I find it helpful to place my hands on my belly to feel it expand as I inhale and deflate as I exhale.

Notice how you feel after 5 rounds. Hopefully you feel better than when you started. The beauty of using breathing practices (Pranayama) in this way is that you are never without your breath. It’s with you everywhere you go.

Join me for Sangha Sundays, an online community to explore yogic principles and apply them to daily life. Each month you get a journal prompt to explore a particular topic which we discuss when we meet. Our next discussion will focus on Surrender (Ishvara Pranidhana) and letting go of grasping for control. Our next meeting is Sunday, February 23rd at 6:30pm EST. Click the button below for more information or to sign up!