You Don't Need to Worry About what "They" Think

Who are "they" anyway?

I grew up worrying a lot about what “they” thought. I’m not sure who “they” were, but apparently their opinion was incredibly important. Especially to my mother.

My mom, from about age 2-6, lived with her grandmother, Anna, while my grandfather was fighting in WWII. According to Anna, there was only one right way to do things. Everything else was wrong. Anna’s way, or no way.

Although my mom only lived with Anna for a short time, this mindset had a deep imprint on her. My mom was always worried about doing things right, even when there wasn’t really one right way. I, of course, made my mom’s life very challenging because I never bought into this line of thinking. I had my own way of doing things and navigating the world (I’m an Aquarius). I believed there were multiple right ways, many possible paths to choose. I caused her a lot of anxiety and many grey hairs.

When I became a pre-teen, and started having opinions of my own, “their” opinion was top of my mother’s mind. “Do they wear those Janine?” I heard when I wanted Tretorn sneakers like other girls in my class. “Do they do that Janine?” when I wanted to join the swim team and quit soccer. Even as an adult, “do they do that? Can you make a living?” was what I got when I announced I was going to acupuncture school instead of Western medical school. Yes they do, and I can.

Growing up and through college, I had this underlying anxiety that I didn’t fully understand until much later. Whenever I wanted to try something new, or do something that, to her, seemed “outside the box,” there was always a voice in my head questioning the decision. I usually did it anyway, but not without guilt and worry. The more I had to defend my decisions to my mother, the less we’d talk. It took too much effort and I was always exhausted after speaking to her. I realized that the inner voice got quieter when I stopped telling my mom about my choices. It was just easier keeping her in the dark.

When I graduated from college, I felt lighter. I was finally living on my own, and for the first time, I no longer worried about what “they” thought. I wore what I wanted, ate and drank what I wanted, danced, practiced yoga, swam, rollerbladed around New York City, all without giving “them” a second thought.

Fully letting go of my anxiety didn’t happen until I set down my perfectionism years later (you can read about that here), but it was the best decision I ever made.

You can’t control what they think, you don’t even know what they think if you don’t know who “they” are. How can you live up to their standards if you don’t know what they are? How can you know if you are pleasing them or good enough for them? They don’t tell you what enough really is.

What is anxiety?

While there are many causes, at its root, anxiety is focusing on things over which you have no control. If you did have control, you could do something by taking some sort of action. Because you don’t have control, you ruminate because it feels like you are doing something. Worrying gives you something to do when nothing can be done.

When you plan a trip and worry about forgetting something, you make a list. That is within your control. Worrying about the plane leaving late and missing your connection is not within your control, so is a waste of energy. The plane will leave when it’s going to leave, and hopefully you’ll make your connecting flight. If you don’t, you can deal with it then. The energy that you waste worrying won’t affect the plane’s departure time, it only creates suffering for you.

What I learned was that when I let go of living my life according to other people’s expectations (“them”) and instead lived according to my own, my anxiety went away. When you worry about what other people will think, this is out of your control, so is a huge source of anxiety. You can’t control another person’s thoughts or actions, nor do you fully know what those thoughts are. The only person’s opinion that matters is your own. And this is within your control.

I recognize that most of my mom’s behavior was fueled by her anxiety about “doing it wrong” as a single parent. What I have learned is that there are many ways to do it wrong, and many ways to do it right. And there is no one-size-fits-all when it comes to being a human. We do the best we can with the tools we have, and as Maya Angelou said, “when you know better, do better.” You don’t need to listen to what “they” think. “They” aren’t real, they are just a figment of your imagination. What matters most is what you think. That is something you can control.

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For those moments when you are stuck in the swirl of anxiety, you can always turn to your breath. While you may not be able to control a situation, you can always control your breathing.

Close your eyes if it feels safe to do so (not while driving please). Imagine inhaling through the soles of your feet, up through your legs, up your spine to the top of your head, then exhale from the top of your head, down your spine, through your legs, and out your feet. Repeat this as many times as you need to, but at least 5 times.

Inhale and exhale through your nose, breathing smoothly and evenly. Be fully aware of the breath entering and leaving your body. You get to control how quickly or slowly you breathe. Try to make each breath a bit deeper and slower than the one before. Feel your feet planted on the floor, if that’s possible.

This practice brings you out of your head and into your body. You will feel less anxious and more in control. Try it, and let me know how it works for you! Are there other breathing practices that you like to help you feel more calm? Let me know in the comments!