I don't know whether you know this poem, but when you talked about loving to wear purple, I had to attach this link: https://www.poetry.com/poem/141551/warning. I think you'll like it. It would be great to trade "I should..." for "I need to..." And the completion for that second phrase needs to come from inside of us, based on who we are and what we value. Anyway, I going to try to take your approach to heart. I hope you have a "should" free day.
I've read that poem, although I thought it was by Irma Bombeck. It's a good one. 💜
I will one up you and say instead of "I need to" say "I get to." Each variation feels so different and creates a new level of freedom inside. May you have a should-free day as well.
"I get to" read amazing posts and wander through the freeing comment sections. I'm energized by all these comments. I've never been married, but have stayed in a relationship for too long previously. Not due to religion or responsibility, but because of fear and thinking I should stay because I was already in.
I didn't understand what "course correcting" meant at the time. That I didn't have to stay in the midst of my mistake and that it didn't define my future. That starting over was okay even though it looked scary. Eventually, I course corrected, got out of that situation, and now I get to live peacefully. I still make mistakes but they don't hold me back, they motivate me to make better decisions and allow me to honor my humanness.
It's amazing how often fear holds us back. Fear of failure, of success, of being alone, of disappointing others...the list goes on. Recognizing the fear and going forward anyway means not abandoning yourself. That's the most loving thing you can do. It sounds like you are well on your way with that. I wish I had learned that lesson in my 20s or 30s, it would have saved me a lot of pain.
I wish I'd learned that earlier to. And the pain can be so rough to deal with; it's not something I seek. But I'm trying to recognize that when I employ the right frame of mind, pain can be turned into a teacher too. And it sounds like you've also learned that lesson.
Yes, when you see emotions as information, it helps to deal with them. They are not good or bad, they are simply data that we have to interpret. Pain is hard, but the stories we create around the pain are so much harder. Setting down the stories and noticing the sensations/emotions help them pass. It’s an ongoing process, one step at a time.
I also learned that wishing we would have done something better has the power to keep us stuck in the past. Maybe saying "Now that I know better, I do better" is more helpful? Just an idea...
That's one of my mantras, for sure. Thankfully I don't get stuck in my wistful wishes anymore. The other saying I love from Dr Angelou is "if you are always trying to be normal, you'll never know how amazing you are." Those two have gotten me pretty far.
*All* of us make mistake. We get things wrong; we do things we shouldn't have. We make choices that are a bad idea. I believe all of that is just being human. It sounds like you're giving yourself more grace, and I think that's a great way to make your life better.
Thanks for your life giving article. Not only did I battle with shoulda, but also its siblings woulda and coulda. A year and a half of therapy plus getting out of a job where everyone else knew what I should do has been life giving and freeing. I had reached the point where I was always second guessing myself and then doing nothing because I couldn’t create a perfect plan.
I have should of and could of myself to death over the years ,Janine . Like you I stayed in a bad marriage to keep my son and daughter safe . Was it the right thing to do no idea , With son seems to of been with daughter we barely talk . Does it cause stress , anxiety and depression yes without a doubt . Than if you seek help from a therapist or dr , the hit you with the what if's , another way too bring on same mental and physical problems . Know trying to do all I can for short time i have . Like trying to work on my meditation and aligning my Chakras , thanks to you . hugs and peace
Same. Good for my younger son, not for my older who doesn't speak to me either. I hope someday he will forgive me for breaking up our family. All we can do is control ourselves. Thanks for reading, Mitch. I appreciate you.
Should’ve, could’ve, would’ve Janine. We all have been there. What a great article so much to unpack here. Reading this, this morning has really given me pause for thought. It’s ironic how over the course of our lives we get ourselves into situations where we say, “Fuck I should have done that differently”. You write about leaving your marriage of 24 years that’s a long time to be in a relationship that isn’t serving you. I get it because I’m in the same situation after 36 years and as you write I wish I would’ve got out earlier, but it’s complicated for me as well. I’ve often wondered “why” when I’ve talked to people who have left long term relationships but dealing with a shitty situation myself I get it, you grow apart and in ways the gap cannot be bridged. After reading this I have definitely “should all over myself” and for far too long. What a great line Janine, “I should all over myself”. When I get on the yoga mat a little later my mantra will be, “stop shoulding on myself.
Growing up in a strict catholic family where there were always certain expectations was hard. When I got out on my I stopped going to church every Sunday it felt freeing.
I am most definitely going to free myself from “shoulding all over myself”
Thank you Janine for putting yourself out there. This was beautiful to read.
Thanks Pete. Marriage is hard, and when you grow apart in an irreparable way, there are so many messages telling you to stay rather than prioritize yourself. Stay for the kids, don't rock the boat, general fear of starting over, religion, so many powerful messages to contend with. Thank you for reading and commenting. I am grateful for your sharing.
Thank you Janine. What you wrote sincerely resonated when I finished writing my comment I was literally shaking lol. I read it got thinking about it then said to myself fuck it and hit send. I’m glad I did it felt great to put that out there. Much love ❤️ to you for writing this Janine 🙏 !
Just be.
I don't know whether you know this poem, but when you talked about loving to wear purple, I had to attach this link: https://www.poetry.com/poem/141551/warning. I think you'll like it. It would be great to trade "I should..." for "I need to..." And the completion for that second phrase needs to come from inside of us, based on who we are and what we value. Anyway, I going to try to take your approach to heart. I hope you have a "should" free day.
A "should" free day sounds possible. I'll give it a go ☺️.
Awesome! I'd love to hear how it feels for you. It's a powerful practice, and challenging at first. Go for it!
I've read that poem, although I thought it was by Irma Bombeck. It's a good one. 💜
I will one up you and say instead of "I need to" say "I get to." Each variation feels so different and creates a new level of freedom inside. May you have a should-free day as well.
"I get to" read amazing posts and wander through the freeing comment sections. I'm energized by all these comments. I've never been married, but have stayed in a relationship for too long previously. Not due to religion or responsibility, but because of fear and thinking I should stay because I was already in.
I didn't understand what "course correcting" meant at the time. That I didn't have to stay in the midst of my mistake and that it didn't define my future. That starting over was okay even though it looked scary. Eventually, I course corrected, got out of that situation, and now I get to live peacefully. I still make mistakes but they don't hold me back, they motivate me to make better decisions and allow me to honor my humanness.
It's amazing how often fear holds us back. Fear of failure, of success, of being alone, of disappointing others...the list goes on. Recognizing the fear and going forward anyway means not abandoning yourself. That's the most loving thing you can do. It sounds like you are well on your way with that. I wish I had learned that lesson in my 20s or 30s, it would have saved me a lot of pain.
I wish I'd learned that earlier to. And the pain can be so rough to deal with; it's not something I seek. But I'm trying to recognize that when I employ the right frame of mind, pain can be turned into a teacher too. And it sounds like you've also learned that lesson.
Yes, when you see emotions as information, it helps to deal with them. They are not good or bad, they are simply data that we have to interpret. Pain is hard, but the stories we create around the pain are so much harder. Setting down the stories and noticing the sensations/emotions help them pass. It’s an ongoing process, one step at a time.
I also learned that wishing we would have done something better has the power to keep us stuck in the past. Maybe saying "Now that I know better, I do better" is more helpful? Just an idea...
That's one of my mantras, for sure. Thankfully I don't get stuck in my wistful wishes anymore. The other saying I love from Dr Angelou is "if you are always trying to be normal, you'll never know how amazing you are." Those two have gotten me pretty far.
*All* of us make mistake. We get things wrong; we do things we shouldn't have. We make choices that are a bad idea. I believe all of that is just being human. It sounds like you're giving yourself more grace, and I think that's a great way to make your life better.
Yes! I recently learned the meaning of giving myself grace and strongly encourage others to do the same!
And, as if to prove my point, I left off the "s" at the end of "mistakes." I did *not* do that on purpose....LOL
Haha
Once upon a time that would have sent me into a tailspin. It's nice to be able to own our humanity. 💜
Ooh, yes! "Get to" is even better!
Thanks for your life giving article. Not only did I battle with shoulda, but also its siblings woulda and coulda. A year and a half of therapy plus getting out of a job where everyone else knew what I should do has been life giving and freeing. I had reached the point where I was always second guessing myself and then doing nothing because I couldn’t create a perfect plan.
Ugh, that sounds so hard! "Perfect" also keeps you stuck. I am so glad you were able to step out of shoulds and own wisdom. 💜
We shouldn’t all the shoulds ❤️
Poetically stated. And "amen."
I second that "Amen".
For sure.
Yes, yes, yes, it all resonates. Thank you for sharing yourself with all of us. 💜
Thanks for reading! 🙏💜
I have should of and could of myself to death over the years ,Janine . Like you I stayed in a bad marriage to keep my son and daughter safe . Was it the right thing to do no idea , With son seems to of been with daughter we barely talk . Does it cause stress , anxiety and depression yes without a doubt . Than if you seek help from a therapist or dr , the hit you with the what if's , another way too bring on same mental and physical problems . Know trying to do all I can for short time i have . Like trying to work on my meditation and aligning my Chakras , thanks to you . hugs and peace
Same. Good for my younger son, not for my older who doesn't speak to me either. I hope someday he will forgive me for breaking up our family. All we can do is control ourselves. Thanks for reading, Mitch. I appreciate you.
Thank you for posting it . Janine , hugs and peace to you and family
Back atcha, Mitch.
Should’ve, could’ve, would’ve Janine. We all have been there. What a great article so much to unpack here. Reading this, this morning has really given me pause for thought. It’s ironic how over the course of our lives we get ourselves into situations where we say, “Fuck I should have done that differently”. You write about leaving your marriage of 24 years that’s a long time to be in a relationship that isn’t serving you. I get it because I’m in the same situation after 36 years and as you write I wish I would’ve got out earlier, but it’s complicated for me as well. I’ve often wondered “why” when I’ve talked to people who have left long term relationships but dealing with a shitty situation myself I get it, you grow apart and in ways the gap cannot be bridged. After reading this I have definitely “should all over myself” and for far too long. What a great line Janine, “I should all over myself”. When I get on the yoga mat a little later my mantra will be, “stop shoulding on myself.
Growing up in a strict catholic family where there were always certain expectations was hard. When I got out on my I stopped going to church every Sunday it felt freeing.
I am most definitely going to free myself from “shoulding all over myself”
Thank you Janine for putting yourself out there. This was beautiful to read.
Thanks Pete. Marriage is hard, and when you grow apart in an irreparable way, there are so many messages telling you to stay rather than prioritize yourself. Stay for the kids, don't rock the boat, general fear of starting over, religion, so many powerful messages to contend with. Thank you for reading and commenting. I am grateful for your sharing.
Thank you Janine. What you wrote sincerely resonated when I finished writing my comment I was literally shaking lol. I read it got thinking about it then said to myself fuck it and hit send. I’m glad I did it felt great to put that out there. Much love ❤️ to you for writing this Janine 🙏 !
💜🙏