31 Comments
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Earn this (kim r)'s avatar

Just be.

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Miguel Clark Mallet's avatar

I don't know whether you know this poem, but when you talked about loving to wear purple, I had to attach this link: https://www.poetry.com/poem/141551/warning. I think you'll like it. It would be great to trade "I should..." for "I need to..." And the completion for that second phrase needs to come from inside of us, based on who we are and what we value. Anyway, I going to try to take your approach to heart. I hope you have a "should" free day.

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Victoria Guthrie's avatar

A "should" free day sounds possible. I'll give it a go ☺️.

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Janine Agoglia's avatar

Awesome! I'd love to hear how it feels for you. It's a powerful practice, and challenging at first. Go for it!

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Janine Agoglia's avatar

I've read that poem, although I thought it was by Irma Bombeck. It's a good one. 💜

I will one up you and say instead of "I need to" say "I get to." Each variation feels so different and creates a new level of freedom inside. May you have a should-free day as well.

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Victoria Guthrie's avatar

"I get to" read amazing posts and wander through the freeing comment sections. I'm energized by all these comments. I've never been married, but have stayed in a relationship for too long previously. Not due to religion or responsibility, but because of fear and thinking I should stay because I was already in.

I didn't understand what "course correcting" meant at the time. That I didn't have to stay in the midst of my mistake and that it didn't define my future. That starting over was okay even though it looked scary. Eventually, I course corrected, got out of that situation, and now I get to live peacefully. I still make mistakes but they don't hold me back, they motivate me to make better decisions and allow me to honor my humanness.

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Janine Agoglia's avatar

It's amazing how often fear holds us back. Fear of failure, of success, of being alone, of disappointing others...the list goes on. Recognizing the fear and going forward anyway means not abandoning yourself. That's the most loving thing you can do. It sounds like you are well on your way with that. I wish I had learned that lesson in my 20s or 30s, it would have saved me a lot of pain.

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Miguel Clark Mallet's avatar

I wish I'd learned that earlier to. And the pain can be so rough to deal with; it's not something I seek. But I'm trying to recognize that when I employ the right frame of mind, pain can be turned into a teacher too. And it sounds like you've also learned that lesson.

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Janine Agoglia's avatar

Yes, when you see emotions as information, it helps to deal with them. They are not good or bad, they are simply data that we have to interpret. Pain is hard, but the stories we create around the pain are so much harder. Setting down the stories and noticing the sensations/emotions help them pass. It’s an ongoing process, one step at a time.

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Victoria Guthrie's avatar

I also learned that wishing we would have done something better has the power to keep us stuck in the past. Maybe saying "Now that I know better, I do better" is more helpful? Just an idea...

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Janine Agoglia's avatar

That's one of my mantras, for sure. Thankfully I don't get stuck in my wistful wishes anymore. The other saying I love from Dr Angelou is "if you are always trying to be normal, you'll never know how amazing you are." Those two have gotten me pretty far.

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Miguel Clark Mallet's avatar

*All* of us make mistake. We get things wrong; we do things we shouldn't have. We make choices that are a bad idea. I believe all of that is just being human. It sounds like you're giving yourself more grace, and I think that's a great way to make your life better.

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Victoria Guthrie's avatar

Yes! I recently learned the meaning of giving myself grace and strongly encourage others to do the same!

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Miguel Clark Mallet's avatar

And, as if to prove my point, I left off the "s" at the end of "mistakes." I did *not* do that on purpose....LOL

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Victoria Guthrie's avatar

Haha

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Janine Agoglia's avatar

Once upon a time that would have sent me into a tailspin. It's nice to be able to own our humanity. 💜

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Miguel Clark Mallet's avatar

Ooh, yes! "Get to" is even better!

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Eunice Woodberry's avatar

Thanks for your life giving article. Not only did I battle with shoulda, but also its siblings woulda and coulda. A year and a half of therapy plus getting out of a job where everyone else knew what I should do has been life giving and freeing. I had reached the point where I was always second guessing myself and then doing nothing because I couldn’t create a perfect plan.

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Janine Agoglia's avatar

Ugh, that sounds so hard! "Perfect" also keeps you stuck. I am so glad you were able to step out of shoulds and own wisdom. 💜

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Paolo Peralta's avatar

We shouldn’t all the shoulds ❤️

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Miguel Clark Mallet's avatar

Poetically stated. And "amen."

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Victoria Guthrie's avatar

I second that "Amen".

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Janine Agoglia's avatar

For sure.

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Leanne (Anna)'s avatar

Yes, yes, yes, it all resonates. Thank you for sharing yourself with all of us. 💜

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Janine Agoglia's avatar

Thanks for reading! 🙏💜

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mitch's avatar

I have should of and could of myself to death over the years ,Janine . Like you I stayed in a bad marriage to keep my son and daughter safe . Was it the right thing to do no idea , With son seems to of been with daughter we barely talk . Does it cause stress , anxiety and depression yes without a doubt . Than if you seek help from a therapist or dr , the hit you with the what if's , another way too bring on same mental and physical problems . Know trying to do all I can for short time i have . Like trying to work on my meditation and aligning my Chakras , thanks to you . hugs and peace

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Janine Agoglia's avatar

Same. Good for my younger son, not for my older who doesn't speak to me either. I hope someday he will forgive me for breaking up our family. All we can do is control ourselves. Thanks for reading, Mitch. I appreciate you.

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mitch's avatar

Thank you for posting it . Janine , hugs and peace to you and family

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Janine Agoglia's avatar

Back atcha, Mitch.

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Aug 17
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Janine Agoglia's avatar

Thanks Pete. Marriage is hard, and when you grow apart in an irreparable way, there are so many messages telling you to stay rather than prioritize yourself. Stay for the kids, don't rock the boat, general fear of starting over, religion, so many powerful messages to contend with. Thank you for reading and commenting. I am grateful for your sharing.

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Aug 17
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Janine Agoglia's avatar

💜🙏

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