Are you Drowning in Anxiety?

How to drop under the wave

I was recently speaking with a client, I’ll call her “Sara,” who was telling me about her anxiety and that she wanted to rise above it. That’s what we Type A perfectionists like to do: muscle through, rise above, and take control of all situations. Unfortunately with anxiety, this just doesn’t work. Trying harder doesn’t work either.

What is anxiety?

Anxiety is the result of focusing your attention on things over which you have no control. Often times it’s thoughts of the future or past, where we don’t have any control. The past already happened, and the future has yet to happen. You can only control the present. You can plan for the future, but things are not guaranteed to go your way, especially when other people are involved. The only thing you can control is yourself at this moment.

Worrying feels like you are doing something, but you’re just spinning your wheels. It doesn’t actually get you anywhere.

Sometimes you play the “What If Game,” as I like to call it. What if this happens? What if that happens? What if it rains? What if there’s traffic? What if she hates me? What if no one reads what I write? The What If Game is another way that you are trying to prepare for and control the uncontrollable. If you can plan for every possible outcome and control everyone and everything, you’ll be okay. Of course you can’t, so you’re not.

“Man plans, God laughs.” ~Yiddish adage

Dropping Down

I suggested that Sara might think about dropping downward instead of trying to rise upward, and that felt very different in her body. Maybe it does in yours too. Here’s why:

Anxiety often happens very high in the body, maybe in the chest, throat or head. When you are stuck in the spin, you are often disconnected from the rest of your body. When you reconnect with your body (below the sensation of anxiety), it helps you get out of the spin. The next time you feel anxious, notice where you feel it in your body. That’s the first step toward dropping downward.

Sara likened it to ducking under the wave when you’re at the ocean. Exactly! When you are at the ocean and a huge wave is coming, you have a few choices: you can jump the wave (not always possible, depending on the size and where you are relative to the break line), you can let the wave crash into you possibly, knocking you down, or you can duck under the wave and allow it to flow over you, leaving you mostly unaffected.

Photo by Jeremy Bishop on Unsplash

When the waves are really big, ducking under is sometimes the only way to go. It’s a way to surrender to what is happening, rather than fighting it or trying to control it. You can’t control the ocean, the water will win. When the waves of anxiety are knocking you down, try dropping down, below the thoughts and feel what’s happening in your body.

Getting in touch with your physical body brings you out of Fight, Flight, or Freeze and returns control to the parasympathetic nervous system (Rest and Digest). You can control your body, you can control your breath. This will ease your anxiety because you can control something.

Anxiety itself is like an ocean wave that knocks you down, and it can feel like you’re drowning in your own thoughts. Thankfully, with waves, they crash and then recede. If you are not feeding your anxiety but simply observing it, it too will recede. Noticing your thoughts, rather than engaging with them, is a way to duck under the wave until it’s clear to stand again.

Serenity

I often quote the Serenity Prayer (atheist version) with my anxious clients:

“Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

Courage to change the things I can,

and Wisdom to know the difference.”

When there is something that can be done, take that action step and it will ease your anxiety. If you can do something (besides worry), do it. When you accept that you have no control over something, let it go, and you’ll find serenity. The challenge is knowing what you can control and what you can’t. Here’s a hint: the only thing you can control is yourself, right now. Everything else, you need to let go.

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