Birthdays Don't Have to Be Hard

Reflections on birthdays and being 53

Today is my birthday. I am an Aquarius. Although the January birthstone is the garnet, I have always had more of an affinity toward the amethyst of February. I feel like being an Aquarian gives me the leeway that I need to claim that stone as my own. Plus it’s purple. Nuff said.

Having a January birthday and growing up in New England always meant snow storms on my birthday. When I was little, I remember my mom putting out newspaper by the door for all my friends to place their boots on when they arrived. Each kid would peel off their multiple layers of coats, mittens, hats, scarfs, and we’d play games and sing songs while my dad played guitar. Then we’d have a cake that my mom baked and my dad constructed into some creative shape, like an elephant, or the letter J.

When I got older, birthdays were at the roller rink or the bowling alley. Eventually there were girl/boy parties with dancing, kissing, and eventually alcohol. In high school my birthday was always during mid-year exams. One of my friends would bring over a cake and we’d devour it while we studied for the Spanish exam. My senior year my then boyfriend and another friend brought over a second cake and the 4 of us didn’t quite finish both cakes, but we tried.

In college I don’t remember celebrating birthdays as much. One year, a guy from a local band I liked dragged me out (it was a Tuesday night) to see his band on the lower East Side of Manhattan. I was already in my pajamas and he thought it was tragic that I wasn’t out on my 21st birthday. I got dressed and went downtown at 11pm, saw the rest of his set, and then we hung out until the wee hours back at my place on 110th St.

Now, birthdays for me are just another day. Sometimes I make a big deal out of the day, often I don’t. Sometimes I celebrate with my love or my kids. This year I decided to work on my birthday.

I come from a long line of women who made it their mission to lie about their age, which I wrote about in “You Get to Be This Old, Embrace it!” I decided early on I wanted none of that. What was the point? It doesn’t actually make you younger when you lie about your age, and what’s wrong with owning how old you are?

I have always felt older than my years, which is why now, at 53, I feel at home in my skin. Is it age or experience? Maybe it’s that I have let go of all the fucks and just don’t care. Owning my age allows me to be my age and not feel bad about it. While our ageist society wants us to believe that being eternally young is the only acceptable thing, I must disagree.

With age, comes wisdom. It is only through living that you learn about yourself and how the world works, if you pay attention. So many cultures value their elders because of that wisdom, rather than tossing them aside as irrelevant like this one does. That drive to stay young keeps so many of us, especially women, hating ourselves for something we have no control over. Have you noticed that men are “allowed” to age but women aren’t? It’s all garbage and bullshit.

Take ownership over your age. I love it when my son calls me old. He says it as an insult, but I embrace it! By owning it, I take back power over the term and call it my own. Birthdays don’t have to be hard. You can love your age or resist it. It’s your choice. In my experience, however, resistance is futile, and acceptance brings ease.

Birthdays honor the passage of time, so let’s honor it. I acknowledge that I am a year older than I was a year ago. This year has been amazing and I am excited to see what the next one holds. These are some of the things that happened in my life this year:

• I spent numerous weekends hanging out with my younger son as we toured colleges. So. Many. Colleges. I am grateful to have gotten that time with him. He’s an incredible kid, any college would be lucky to have him (I know every mom feels that way about their kid, but it’s true).

• I started writing on Substack and have met so many wonderful writers here. I love the relationships I’ve made and look forward to continuing to build these connections.

• I left all other social media and my life is better for it. You can still find my accounts there, but they direct you back to Substack.

• I wrote and self-published my first book. I have written multiple books in the past, but I never did anything with them. I finally built up the courage, and with some guidance from my dad (thanks Daddo!), I made it happen.

• I ran 3 yoga retreats, including my first international retreat in Costa Rica. I love retreats and the connection they create. I’m looking forward to this year’s Yoga Book Club retreat in a little over a week!

• I swam in my pond multiple times over the Summer. I also swam in Vermont, which was cold, but lovely. Swimming is a form of meditation for me, especially when I can just go. My pond is clear, warms up quickly but never gets too warm. Plus when I swim, I’m the only one out there. It’s incredibly peaceful.

• I walked in my neighborhood and on multiple local trails and didn’t get lost (thank you AllTrails app). It’s currently a little chilly to walk outside, but on the days it hits the high 30s, I’m out there.

• I taught over 500 yoga classes online and in person. That number floors me.

• I laughed, cried, and loved. That’s what life is all about.

• I spent time with my son after work, watching animal videos and snuggling before bed. I love our time together. I’m going to miss him when he goes to college, but I’m also excited to launch him into the world.

• I connected and visited with family and friends, both in person and online. There was a lot of travel this year.

• I’ve read books, saw movies, and went through multiple TV series. I like to get sucked into a book or a show and get lost in the characters. I’ve been known to actually grieve when I finish a book or series and I’m no longer hanging out with the characters.

There’s probably more that happened this year that I’m forgetting, my memory is not what it once was, but that’s okay. I’m sure once I publish this lots more will come flooding in. I tend to live in the present, so thinking about the past only comes to me in bits and chunks.

I don’t lead a big life, but I love the life I have. I have people that I love and that love me, I have work that doesn’t feel like work, and although not every day is joyful, there is so much joy in my life. I am grateful for the life that I’ve built and that I have had another year to live it.