How to Move from Hating Yourself to Loving Yourself

The answer is simple, even if the process isn't

If you are a perfectionist, or have perfectionist tendencies, chances are you’ve spent much of your life hating yourself. At the very least, feeling like a constant failure.

Perfectionism is the expectation that you have for yourself that you need to be perfect in order to “earn” your worthiness and be loveable. You may or may not be consciously aware of that driver, but in my experience, it’s often a trade off for love. “If I am perfect, then I will be worthy of love” is the constant story running in the background, like a drone.

That was my story.

Instead of love, however, perfectionism gifted me:

• Emotional paralysis: “what if I did or said the wrong thing?” So I wouldn’t do or say anything. I was too scared to act, for fear of doing the wrong thing, so I did nothing. I never raised my hand in class, even when I had the right answer. I never spoke up for myself, even when I was uncomfortable. I stayed quiet and small.

• Rumination: if I did do something, and it didn’t turn out the way I expected/wanted it too, I would ruminate on it for weeks (months, years), thinking about what I could have said or done differently. I kept spinning in my head, staying stuck.

• Imposter syndrome: “what if they find out I’m not perfect or I don’t know what I’m doing?!” I felt like I wasn’t enough. I would work hours longer than I needed to, and if there was a typo (gasp), I would go down a shame spiral for weeks. The kicker was, I did know what I was doing, and did it better than many people. I just didn’t believe in myself.

• I ignored my own internal wisdom. I was always anxious, relying on other people’s expectations of me to make my decisions, which only left me depressed, suppressed, and empty. I felt things in my gut, but chose to ignore those feelings, because I didn’t value my own knowledge. I usually regretted not listening to myself, because as it turns out, my gut actually knows things.

Perfect doesn’t exist

We are human beings, not robots. Even robots are imperfect because they are made by humans (for now). Humans are flawed creatures. No one is perfectly symmetrical, no one always says or does the “right” things. And right according to whom? If we don’t look or act perfectly, then by definition we are imperfect. Plus, what does it mean to be perfect? They are ideals and ideas that aren’t real.

Yet we try SO HARD to be perfect, because if we’re not, we’ve failed in some way. We’re never good enough, strong enough, perfect enough, so we’re failures. As a perfectionist, being a failure is one of the worst things you can be. If you can’t live up to your own impossible standards (and they are IMPOSSIBLE standards), of course you hate yourself.

If you aren’t perfect, then clearly you don’t deserve to be loved.

It took me years to let go of the that story. And it is just a story. It’s not actually true.

Another way

What if you saw yourself through different eyes? What if all of your flaws are what make you beautiful and uniquely you? What if you could see yourself through the eyes of someone who deeply loves you, just as you are?

What if you could forgive yourself for being imperfect?

Forgiveness and acceptance are how you get from hating yourself to loving yourself. It’s not easy, and it takes work, but that is where you start.

When you forgive yourself for not being perfect, because again, perfect doesn’t exist, your heart starts to open. Cracking your heart open allows lightness to filter in. If you can forgive other people for their blunders and mistakes, maybe you could allow yourself the same kindness and understanding.

Once you’ve forgiven yourself for not being an ideal that was set by society or some unknown being, you can find acceptance. Accept yourself for who you are, just as you are. No need to fix or change anything.

• Accept your facial crinkles as a sign that you’ve laughed.

• Accept the silver “wisdom sparkles” in your hair as a sign that you have wisdom in spades. You couldn’t pay me to be 20 again…

• Accept that your body doesn’t look or behave the way it used to. What if that was okay?

• Accept that you don’t always do or say the “right” thing. You can always apologize and repair. Acting from a compassionate heart helps everyone.

What if it was okay for you to be yourself, and that you aren’t too much, you aren’t a burden, that you deserve love and belonging just like everyone else? You don’t have to be a martyr, you don’t have to put yourself last on your to-do list, and you still have value as a person.

So how do you get there?

There are many paths, and they are not easy, but working on yourself and your stories is definitely worth your time and tears (and there will be tears). Therapy, yoga, meditation, and journaling are all useful tools to help get you to loving yourself. Community also helps. When you surround yourself with people who are doing the same work, have the same goals, and are willing to hold you as you go, that can make all the difference. Feel seen, heard, and held.

We weren’t meant to go it alone, support helps.

Once a month I host an online group called Sangha Sundays. A Sangha is a community of like-minded people who are seeking to open their hearts and practice LovingKindness (Metta) toward themselves and others. Practice yoga off the mat to relieve yourself of anxiety, perfectionism, people-pleasing, and more. Learn to lvoe yourself. It’s a practice, not a perfect, and we’re all in this together.

What happens in the Sangha, stays in the Sangha. It is a safe, supportive, online space to help you learn more about yourself through the lens of yoga principles and philosophy. No experience necessary.

The next meeting is this coming Sunday, June 22, at 6:30pm EDT. Click the button below for more information or to sign up.