How to Use Non-Judgement to Feel Rather than Numb

Non-judgment in Yogic philosophy is made up of several smaller concepts: Ahimsa/Non-harming, Svadhyaya/Self-inquiry, and Aparigraha/Non-Attachment. These principles together create Non-judgment which helps us feel our feelings rather than numbing them.

Let’s back up.

Recently life has felt very heavy. Between all that’s happening in the world and immediately in my life, I have found myself turning to numbing just to get through the day. Games on my phone, a little more chocolate, and smutty audiobooks have been my go-to in my attempt to avoid my feelings.

When I notice myself numbing, there are two possible self-responses:

• I can shame myself for not “doing better.” As a longtime yoga practitioner and teacher, I have all the tools I need to not behave this way. I know how to journal, feel my feelings, meditate, etc, and yet sometimes when I feel overwhelmed, I can’t get out of my own way. Having the tools and using them are two different things. I can criticize myself for not using the tools I have, but that will send me deeper into numbing. Plus it has the added bonus of feeling crappy about myself, as a fraud and a failure.

• I can have compassion for myself (Karuna) that things are hard right now and I am a human being. I have big feelings that are sometimes overwhelming and feeling them all at once can be a lot. Sometimes I need to take a break from my feelings and numb out for a bit. And that’s okay. When I recognize my behavior and choose it, sometimes that’s exactly what I need. For me, as a Type A recovering perfectionist, intentional numbing for a short while can feel like rest in my body. What matters is that it is a conscious decision, and that I am not drowning myself or disappearing in it.

The first self-response is full of “shoulds” and creates more discomfort, as I judge myself. I “should” know better or do better. Of course if I could, I would, and “shoulding” all over myself doesn’t help.

No shoulds necessary

The second response is kinder, and is the way that I would treat someone I love. By letting go of judgment in favor of compassion, I can honor how hard things are right now, and that I am doing the best I can, as imperfectly as it might be. My internal critic might ask “are you really doing the best you can?” The truthful answer is in this moment, yes I am. If I was more regulated I could make different choices, but I'm not, so I’m not.

Non-judgment is the difference between shaming myself and accepting that this is happening right now. The behavior is temporary because I have the ability to notice, pause, and create space for my feelings, even if that is not what is happening right now.

Being regulated all the time is a BIG ask

When you are on top of all of your self care, you feel regulated. When you exercise, eat well, sleep enough, and manage stress, it feels great! It takes a lot of discipline and positive habit forming to keep that going every day. Being in that state 100% of the time is an unfair ask of us mere humans.

Sometimes our life hits us with more than we can handle all at once, while also maintaining all of the self-care. One or two aspects might slide, and they we end up more dysregulated that we’d like.

We do the best we can with the tools we have. Sometimes we need to cut ourselves some slack and take a break. Practicing Ahimsa/Non-harming means not causing harm with our thoughts or actions. I write more about that here:

Are Your Thoughts Harmful to Yourself and Others?

When life is stressful and chaotic, keeping up with your self-care is your best chance at wading through the mire, but sometimes other fires need to be put out first. When that happens, you will feel less on top of all the things and more susceptible to your “bad habits.” For me (and maybe you), that means numbing.

Judging yourself for this behavior will make you feel worse. Letting go of judgment and criticism allows you to have the experience that you’re having, just as it is. It might not be pretty, but it’s what you are feeling right now. Having feelings is part of being human. Denying your feelings only makes them bigger and louder.

The biggest caveat is noticing if your numbing behavior is causing you harm. Numbing and addiction can be destructive and I would be remiss if I didn’t mention how harmful certain types of numbing can be. If numbing is giving you a temporary pause, that’s fine. It’s a short-lived break in your day-to-day. If numbing is taking over your life and keeping you from living it, that’s not okay, and you might need to reach out for help.

Looking inward

In those times of overwhelm, when you are struggling to feel all the things, looking inward is probably the last thing you want to do. It’s seems easier to stay busy, have a glass of wine, turn to food, or numerous other things so as not to feel. However, it actually takes more effort to not feel than it does to feel.

Svadhyaya, or Self-study/Self-inquiry invites you to take a peek behind the curtain at your own heart. Can you notice the sensations at your heart center with curiosity instead of judgment? There are no “shoulds,” no right or wrong way to feel, no matter what is happening in your life. Giving yourself the permission and opportunity to feel your feelings releases you from the need to numb.

Numbing creates separation from yourself. Feeling creates connection. The more connected you are to how you feel, the easier it is to know what to do next. It’s okay to feel angry, heartbroken, alone, bored, anxious, regretful, etc. It’s not okay to take those feelings out on another person.

Noticing your emotions and feeling them gives you power over yourself. You can choose to express those feelings with another person, but not when you are all charged up. Feel, breathe, allow the emotion to ride through, then maybe journal and get to the heart of what’s upsetting you. Once you understand that, you can share it, if you choose to do so. This process allows you to share from a grounded place so you don’t cause harm to someone else, or yourself (Ahimsa).

In this post I talk about journaling as letter writing to help diffuse your emotions:

Pouring Myself Out Onto the Page to See What’s There

Letting go of attachment

Aparigraha, or Non-attachment, means separating yourself from the outcome and allowing things to be as they are. There’s an element of acceptance, which drops you into ease. When you're anxious, it’s common to grip and attempt to control things to ease your anxiety. Grasping for control causes both mental and physical tension. Allowing people and situations to be as they are, creates more ease as you are not fighting what is.

This doesn’t mean that you allow people to walk all over you, or that you just accept injustices. It means that this moment is as it is. If your are numbing right now, that is what’s happening. What you do in the next moment is up to you. You can judge yourself to make yourself feel worse, or you can accept that this is what you are doing.

Let go of your attachment to the stories you tell yourself about your numbing. You are not a bad person, you are struggling to manage your feelings. Numbing is an unskillful way to “manage” them. Once you let go of the stories and can focus on what is true, you have the power of choice. You can choose to continue on, or choose to do something else. Letting go of judgment and criticism creates space for choice, and power over yourself.

More support

If you are interested in exploring these types of topics on a practical level, join me for Sangha Sundays! One Sunday a month I host an online group where we discuss a particular topic through the lens of yoga. This month we discussed trust, previous months we’ve discussed boundaries, perfectionism, numbing, and more.

This community is a safe space to ask questions, and explore yoga off the mat through journaling and discussion. I send out journal prompts on the first of each month, then we meet online on the fourth Sunday of the month. You can come to one session or join every month. Paid subscribers get a discounted rate! Click the button below for more information or to sign up.