Is Non-Attachment the Cure for Anxiety?

The Yamas and Niyamas, part 5: Aparigraha/ Non-Attachment

Welcome to part 5 of the 10 part exploration of the Yamas and Niyamas, the first 2 limbs of yoga! These posts come out every Tuesday. If you missed any of the previous posts, scroll to the bottom to catch up. Please consider becoming a free or paid subscriber so that you don’t miss anything! All subscribers receive the same content. I appreciate any support you give, no matter what that looks like.

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When I was young, I used to hate change. Change was scary, and I was already an anxious kid. I came by my anxiety honestly; my family has a long line of anxious women, going back at least 2 or 3 generations, that I know of.

Change is scary because it’s different. The Same is comfortable. You know what to expect and can prepare for it, which is reassuring. When things change, there is suddenly a big unknown. Focusing on the unknown is what anxiety thrives on.

Having control calms anxiety, but we don’t have control over much. We can control our actions and how we respond to our thoughts. That’s pretty much the end of the list. Most things in life are out of our control.

When you can do something (take action) it gives you some control over what is happening. That’s why we worry. It feels like you are doing something because your mind is churning. But you’re not actually moving forward, you’re spinning in place. Nothing gets solved, nothing changes, you stay stuck and anxious.

Many things cause anxiety because we don’t have control over much. We can’t control what other people think, do, or say, and focusing on those things leaves us feeling anxious. Trying to exert control over other people and things is the opposite of what today’s principle is about (plus people don’t like it when you try to control them).

Aparigraha/ Non-Attachment

The 5th Yama, Aparigraha, is letting go and allowing people and things to be as they are. Non-attachment is different from being detached. Detachment is being disengaged or disconnected. There is an element of objectivity, but it’s more about separation, not being part of what’s happening. Non-attachment has connection, but is allowing things to be as they are without them affecting you. You let go of expectations to simply be with what is; you are unattached to the outcome.

Non-attachment creates space. It allows you to step back, notice, and allow. Allow the thoughts, allow things to happen as they will, allow people to be who they are. You are not forcing someone to see things your way, nor trying to control the situation. You probably have no control anyway, so you let go and allow.

In a relationship, you can love someone fully, with your whole heart, and when you practice non-attachment, you love them regardless of whether they love you back. You are not loving them so as to be loved in return, you feel the love for them within yourself.

Of course giving and receiving love is an essential part of being human, but your love for another person is not contingent on how they feel about you. Loving unconditionally is practicing Aparigraha.

Perfectionism is the exact opposite practice

The first 35 or so years of my life I was an actively practicing perfectionist. Perfectionism focuses on the outcome or result: the project has to be perfect, I have to act perfect, look perfect, say the perfect thing, etc. Perfectionism focuses on the result (no control), not on the process (control).

Control lies in the process, not the result. You can’t control the end unless you focus on how you get there. This is why most perfectionists are highly anxious people who procrastinate. When you focus on what you can control, anxiety goes away. When you focus on what you can’t control, anxiety abounds. It’s too overwhelming to think about having to create this perfect thing, so you put it off until the deadline hits and it absolutely has to get done.

Perfectionism breeds anxiety. Non-attachment (and self-love) is the cure for both. Of course that’s easier said than done. One step is to let go of worrying what other people think. Another is to let go of your own self-loathing and criticism for not being perfect. Spoiler alert: perfect doesn’t exist. Striving for perfection always ends in feeling like a failure.

Through therapy, I discovered the story that drove my perfectionism: If I am perfect, my daddy will love me (it started very young). My parents divorced when I was 10 (big scary change!) but I think I already had perfectionist tendencies well in place from coping with two parents who were unable to meet my emotional needs in their own ways.

I felt like my lovability was based on me being perfect. If I act perfect and don’t get in anyone’s way (and don’t have feelings, and am not a burden) then I will be loveable and therefore safe in the family. I didn’t know that’s what I was doing or thinking, but looking back on my behavior, and understanding the nature of perfectionism, it was clear.

Of course I wasn’t perfect and never would be, and yet, my Dad still loves me. I realized that the story I was telling myself wasn’t actually true. Whether you realize it or not, right now you believe all sorts of stories about yourself that aren’t actually true. They are based on other people’s opinions, or coping strategies (like mine) that you unskillfully acquired as a child. You’ve absorbed these beliefs as truths.

If you are a perfectionist, I would guarantee that your story isn’t true either. You do not need to be perfect. There is no perfect, so it’s an impossible thing to strive for. It will only leave you feeling worthless, unloveable, and a failure.

The truth is, you ARE worthy of love and belonging just as you are. Non-attachment allows you to let go of the stories that are holding you back, the stories that you believe to be true but aren’t. You ARE good enough. You ARE smart enough. You ARE enough, just as you are.

Practicing non-attachment

Start simple. Where in your life can you practice doing something without worrying about the outcome or what other people think?

Can you paint simply for the joy of painting or write for the pure joy of writing?

Can you cook something without worrying if anyone will like what you make, but make it because you like it?

What if you got dressed in the morning and wore clothes that made you happy, without worrying about what you looked like or who else would approve?

What if you could go through your day and not worry about how things will turn out? Focus on each moment as it comes, then let it go, and let it be what it is.

Let go of events that have already happened and allow them to be in the past. You can’t change them, they’ve already happened. Try accepting that they happened just as they did.

Stop worrying about the future, it may never be as you anticipate. You can plan, but there’s no guarantee that those plans will come to fruition.

Meditation for Non-Attachment

Photo by SOULSANA on Unsplash

Meditation is a practice that helps us find Aparigraha. Noticing this moment as it is while you meditate helps you notice each moment as it is. What you practice on the mat (or the cushion) prepares you for life off the mat.

Notice where you feel your breath in your body without analyzing it, commenting on it, or changing it in any way. Simply allow the breath to be as it is and notice.

Notice how your body feels. Notice what feels comfortable just as you notice what feels uncomfortable. No need to fix or change anything unless it feels appropriate to do so. Notice what stories your mind makes up when noticing discomfort. Are they actually true or are you catastrophizing/minimizing? What happens when you simply notice and allow the discomfort without attachment? What happens when you notice what is comfortable?

The key is to notice. Notice without judgment, analysis, criticism, or anything else. Just notice.

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Practice Opportunities

Ongoing:

Movement and Meditation every Monday, online, 8-8:40am ET. Can’t make it live? Take class on demand anytime you like. This class is a Purple Room Yoga student favorite, with 20 minutes of gentle yoga movement to wake up the body and shake off stiffness, followed by 20 minutes of both guided and silent meditation. Practice Brahmacharya/ Non-Attachment and see how it affects how you feel during your day! Click here for your 10 Day All Access Free Trial to Purple Room Yoga, and here to see the full schedule of online classes!

July 13 in Wayland, MA:

Day of Silence is a 1 day silent yoga and meditation retreat in Wayland, MA. Experience the power of not talking for a full day, while being surrounded by a kind and loving community. Spend the day practicing yoga and meditation, walking, reflecting, and sharing space with other people who are also in silence. Experience the deep inner quiet and calm that comes from a day without speaking. For more information or to sign up, click here!

August 9-12 in Plainfield, MA:

6th Annual Summer Yoga and Meditation Retreat weekend! This 3 day weekend is an annual event and this year I’ve added sound healing to the mix! Vicky Rutkowski is joining me with her singing bowls to add another element to a deeply restorative weekend! Yoga, meditation, walks in the woods, a visit to a waterfall, a campfire, and incredible food home cooked with love. Click here to sign up! Limited to 15 people and spaces are filling up!

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