How to use Self-Compassion for Pain Management
Pain is sadly a part of life, but it doesn't have to be something that brings you down. Pain can be an opportunity to practice self-compassion (Karuna). Feeling pain can cause fear and “story making” when you don’t understand why it’s there. When you understand why you have pain, it is easier to shift your relationship to it.
Why do we have pain?
The body doesn't speak in words, it speaks in the language of sensation. Pain is a signal from our body to our brain that something is amiss. The pain can be pleasurable, like when you stretch, or uncomfortable, when something is wrong.
Maybe you have an injury and your body doesn't want you to make it worse, like when you pull a muscle. The pain you feel is a signal that tells you not to use that muscle in that way until it heals.
Your pain might be a headache due to dehydration, telling you to drink more water. Perhaps the pain is acid reflux because you ate something that didn't agree with you, or you ate too quickly or too late at night. You might feel lower back pain from slouching at the computer or on the couch. That pain is telling you to work on your posture.
Pain is information, you just have to figure out what it means.
What does pain have to do with self-compassion?
Pain might cause you to create stories as to why you are at fault for you pain. If you have perfectionist tendencies, self-blame is a common default. Whether you injured yourself or have chronic pain, you might have some stories floating around in your head about it:
I shouldn't have done that.
I shouldn't have eaten that.
Why didn't I stop?
Why wasn't I paying attention?
Why do I always do that?
Does any of this sound familiar? Self talk around pain can often be self-blame. You blame yourself for not doing better or being smarter. You might regret your actions in some way, wishing that you could change what happened so you wouldn't have to feel pain. Unfortunately, until scientists find a way to time travel, we are stuck with the past that we have.
The first step to finding self-compassion is to accept that the past happened as it did and that there is nothing you can do to change it. It sounds simple, but sometimes that can be challenging. The more you wish that things weren't as they were, the more you get stuck in the past. Finding acceptance for your past is the only way to move forward.
Self-compassion (Karuna) movement toward acceptance, accepting that you feel pain at this moment. You are not creating stories about the pain (I did something bad, I am bad, I am an idiot...), you simply acknowledge the pain as it is. You don’t blame yourself for the pain, you just feel it. Seeing pain as information, and not as an indication of your worth, helps.
My personal experience
A few years ago I was washing dishes by hand and sliced my thumb on a chipped cup. It was painful and bloody and I needed a few stitches. I was out of work for a few days because I wasn’t allowed to get it wet, and I need to wash my hands between patients.
Initially I was mad at myself because "if I wasn't so stupid, I wouldn't have cut myself." That was the story I was telling myself. If I was talking to a friend, I would have told her that it was an accident, and accidents happen. Interesting that our self talk is so different.
I wasn't a stupid person for cutting my hand, it happens. And it did happen, so wasting my energy on regret wasn't going to get me back to work any faster. Having self-compassion wasn't getting me back to work faster either, but the pause I was forced to take in my life was an opportunity to slow down and be kind to myself.
The Dalai Lama quoted to have said, "Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible." This includes being kind to ourselves. Talking to myself like I would a friend stopped me from adding to my pain, as our mind and body are connected.
We can't control our pain, but we can control how we relate to it
Humans feel pain, it's part of life, but you don't have to be a victim to your pain. You don't have to blame yourself for your pain, regardless of the cause. You also need not be a victim of it.
On a typical pain scale, where 0 is no pain and 10 is "give me morphine!" stress and anxiety turn a 5 into an 8, and acceptance can turn that same 5 into a 3. Pain can be subjective, and while mindset might not remove the pain altogether, it can make it tolerable and less problematic.
The more you blame yourself for your pain, the higher your stress and anxiety. The more loving you can be toward yourself, the lower the stress and anxiety, and the less pain you will feel.
Tips for self-compassion and lowering pain levels
Obviously if you feel chest pain or have a broken bone, please see a doctor. These tips are for non-emergency pain situations.
Talk to yourself like someone you love. Our self talk can be critical, judgemental, and down right mean sometimes. You would never speak to someone else the way you speak to yourself, so why is it okay to speak to yourself that way? It's not. It's actually pretty abusive. Notice when you are getting down on yourself for being in pain, and instead, speak to yourself like you would a friend. You wouldn't blame your friend for twisting their ankle, you'd offer them comfort and compassion. You can do that for yourself too.
When you experience intense pain, breathe. There is a reason women are told to breathe during childbirth. It helps. When you feel your pain but focus on your breath, it can bring the pain level down. Take slow, deep breaths, in and out through the nose. Slow down the exhale so that it is longer than the inhale. The exhale activates the parasympathetic nervous system ("rest and digest") which is your relaxation response. The longer you exhale without forcing it, the more time your body has to relax. The more your body relaxes, the lower your subjective experience of pain.
Notice your self-talk when you go down Self-Pity Road. Especially with chronic pain, it’s common to feel self-pity. While experiencing chronic pain is awful, your mindset will make all the difference in how you cope with it. Instead of self-pity (my life sucks, I am useless), try self-compassion (this pain is hard, but I can get through this moment). Brene Brown defines Self-Compassion as being able to "relate to yourself in a way that is forgiving, accepting, and loving when situations might be less than optimal." Having chronic pain, or even acute pain, is definitely less than optimal, but can you still be loving toward yourself. Accept that at this moment, you have pain. You have no control over how long the pain will last, but right now you can breathe and be loving toward yourself. Pity arises when you wish things were different. Compassion activates when you can love yourself as you are, no matter what.
Move your body in a way that feels good. When you break your leg, for example, there are limits to how you can move, but movement isn't impossible. While you might not be going for a run, you can stretch your upper body, or you can do seated exercises. Resting is essential while you are healing, as it take a lot of energy to heal, but movement is also important, especially for your mental health. Find a way to move, breathe, stretch, and strengthen, and you will feel better. Listen to your body, and if you feel any pain, stop what you are doing.
Practicing Self-Compassion in Community!
I hold a monthly online community gathering called Sangha Sundays. At the beginning of each month I send out a topic and related journal prompt(s) for you to explore through the month. Previous topics have been on numbing behaviors, self-kindness, feeling like you are enough, permission to make mistakes, and more. They are all discussed through the lens of yogic principles.
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I find that if I can focus on something other than the physical pain, it sure feels less intense. GOOD advice here!
It took me a long while to understand how our bodies are talking to us all the time, and that we actually have to listen! Love this article, thanks Janine 💕