Why Self-Acceptance is Better Than Self-Loathing

My Why #4: Acceptance

Nobody is meaner to us than we are. Would you ever talk to another person the way you talk to yourself? Of course not. So why is it okay for you to be so mean to you?

There are so many messages that we receive as children that carry with us into adulthood. These messages often have to do with our “enoughness.” Parents or other adults in our lives told us certain things that we took on as true, but were really a reflection on them and their insecurities. These internalized messages are what hold you back today.

I spent my early life trying to earn my worthiness to be loved. We’re all worthy of love, but when you grow up feeling like you don’t matter to your parents, you try to earn their love through unskillful means, like perfectionism or people pleasing (or both).

There is no perfect

The problem with perfectionism is that you constantly strive for something that is unattainable. This leaves you feeling like a failure, and therefore unworthy of love. That was my experience of it.

There is no perfect, it doesn’t exist.

When you expect yourself to be perfect, and you inevitably fail to be so, you end up in a sea of self-loathing, crushing criticism and judgment, and feeling about 1 inch tall. This doesn’t set the stage for success in life, but it does lead to depression and anxiety. Hooray.

The good news, is that letting go of these beliefs frees you from their grasp and you get to crawl out of self-loathing into self-love and acceptance. Super easy, I know, but there is a path to take. I have gone on this road, and I can tell you it’s not a straight line, but a zig zag with (hopefully) an overall upward trajectory. Shedding layer after layer leaves you feeling lighter, until you figure out who YOU are, and not other people’s opinions/visions/views of you.

That’s when you reach acceptance.

With acceptance comes freedom. Freedom from debilitating self-criticism, from trying to earn love through people pleasing and/or perfectionism, and from feeling like you are not enough/too much every day. When you accept yourself as you are, all of your flaws and all of your beauty, you find peace.

I accept that I make mistakes. I accept that I am human, and not a robot. Things will go wrong and I’ll have to deal with it. Owning your mistakes keeps you from falling into shame.

I accept that I don’t have a “perfect” body, but it’s the only one I have. I can either feel shame about it, or I can decide that it is the way it is. It’s strong, mobile, and gets me everywhere I need to go. I have a layer of “insulation” over my hips, waist, and belly, especially after Christmas chocolates, and that’s okay.

Loving and accepting my body the way it is feels much better than sitting in shame about it. There is nothing to feel ashamed about. I focus on health 80% of the time, and 20% of the time I eat deeply delicious food and enjoy it.

When I feel myself turning to food to numb my feelings, I have learned to pause. Sometimes I sit and breathe, sometimes I journal, sometimes I eat. The pause gives me a chance to make a choice. Regardless of the choice, I’m still worthy of love.

Still not perfect

My weight goes up and down a bit through the year, through each month, even through each day. So does yours. I have learned that the number on the scale does not determine my self-worth.

I accept myself as I am, imperfections and all. I still feel longing, sadness, anger, frustration, fear, and anxiety, but I also feel joy, love, compassion, happiness, and contentment.

In the end, criticizing yourself doesn’t inspire you to do anything different, it keeps you in shame. Loving yourself as you are helps you find your way to acceptance where you’ll find peace. It’s easier to see what is possible when you are not stuck in shame. Shame makes everything dark; acceptance shines light and opens your view.

Taking a step toward acceptance

Sit in a comfortable position and close your eyes. Take a few deep, slow breaths.

Place your hands over your heart and bring your attention what’s there. Notice what you feel in your heart center and give it space to exist.

Tell yourself “I accept myself as I am” and see how that feels. Any feelings that arise, let them be there. Acknowledge any resistance that you feel and let it be. Any grief, fear, tightness that you feel, give it space and breath.

Over time, it will get easier to accept yourself. There will be less resistance, less disbelief, and you can own your acceptance. Practice is what matters.

Practice and all is coming. ~Sri K. Pattabhi Jois

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New Year’s practice online!

Join me New Year’s morning, online from 8:30-10am EST for New Year Beginning! Yoga, meditation, and journaling to set your intentions and discover your word for the year! Last year my word was Self-love and it guided my actions and behaviors through the year. Move your body and start the year feeling strong, grounded, and present. If you can’t make it live, this class will be available on demand to those who sign up. Click the button to sign up!

Coming in March:

Intentional Eating: Finding Peace and Balance in Your Relationship with Food! This small group coaching is not a diet, but a mindset reset when it comes to how you relate to food and yourself. Learn why you make the choices that you do and how to cultivate habits that move you toward health. Click the button for more information. Limited to 5 people, only 3 spots left!

Read my book!

Living Yoga: One Yoga Teacher’s Journey to Surrender is a book I wrote about living your yoga practice off the mat. I am a GenX yoga instructor who has been practicing yoga since 1995. Yoga has helped me let go of perfectionism, anxiety, and depression, and navigate the challenges of life. Through honest reflections, humor, and owning my humanity, I share my bumpy and unskillful journey to finding peace and surrender. Yoga is a practice, not a “perfect.”

This book takes you through the Yamas and Niyamas, the first 2 limbs of yoga, to help you take yoga off the mat and into your life. Each chapter contains journal prompts to help you integrate the teachings into your life. Explore what yoga off the mat has to offer you on your journey.

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