Is There a Verbal Abuser Living Inside Your Head?

Self-Compassion to the Rescue!

The call is coming from inside the house.

It’s an inside job.

Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.

There are so many sayings that describe how we are the cause of our own suffering. I am not the first to ask the question, “how can you be happy when someone is criticizing you all the time?” Especially when that  someone is you. 

How often does your inner critic tell you that you’re too fat, or too thin, or too old, or too weak, or too much, or not enough, or…the list goes on and on. If someone is constantly cutting you down, you will always feel less than.

It is well known that children who grow up in verbally abusive households have lower self esteem. What if that verbal abuse is coming from you? Do you shame yourself or tell yourself how stupid you are when you do something wrong or make a mistake? You might not even notice it’s happening, but you definitely feel the effects. 

According to Brene Brown, shame requires 3 things to survive and grow exponentially: secrecy, silence, and judgment. Shame makes you feel small, less than, and isolated. This is not a space that you thrive in. Shame doesn’t motivate, and shame doesn’t encourage growth. All it does is make you feel stuck and alone.

And whose voice is that in your head? You weren’t born thinking these things about yourself, you learned them. Who told you that you were too fat or too thin? Who told you that you were too much or not enough? Enough according to whom? Who are these people telling you that you are not enough as you are, that you need to fix yourself? 

Typically you were told these things by someone (or multiple someones) who was unable to handle their own emotional discomfort. They discharged their discomfort on you in an effort to make themselves feel better, and it made you feel worse. Now you are repeating their words in your head and believing them to be true.

What if you could set down all of those critical voices in your head, let go of the false beliefs and embrace what is actually true? You can, I promise, you simply have to notice them when they happen and flip the script.

Self-Compassion to the Rescue

Self-Compassion (Karuna) is a concept that I came across a number of years ago in my yoga journey. I have found it to be a simple concept, although it can take practice to override the criticism “habit.” 

What is compassion? According to Oxford, Compassion is the “sympathetic pity and concern for the misfortunes of others.” I don’t really like the word pity, as I feel like compassion isn’t pity. Rather it’s an open heartedness for another person who is struggling. Compassion breeds empathy, which is an inner knowing from a shared experience. I know how you feel, so I can understand what you are going through, and I can sit here with you in your pain. My heart feels what your heart feels, and we’ll be okay together. Empathy is also the cure for shame.

For years I found it so much easier to be compassionate toward others, and nearly impossible to be compassionate with myself. Same with being loving, patient, caring, and gentle. Why was it so much easier to give these things to other people, yet deprive myself of the same treatment? 

I felt I didn’t deserve it. My feelings were too big, I was too much to handle, I didn’t want to burden anyone. I tried to make myself smaller, to have fewer feelings, and just keep myself all wrapped up in a tight bundle (of anxiety) so I wouldn’t bother anyone. Why did I deserve to be loved or feel compassion? Maybe I would be worthy if I was perfect. Read about how well that turned out here. Spoiler alert: not so well…

Then I came across this Brene Brown idea (my saving grace):

Talk to yourself like you would talk to someone you love.

Mind blown. 

Even if I didn’t fully love myself then, I could talk to myself as if I did. Eventually, I learned to actually love myself just as I was. I put down the perfectionism, and allowed myself to show up in the world as me. I learned to be kinder and gentler with myself in my self talk. I stopped criticizing myself and allowed myself to be imperfect (I was imperfect anyway, shouldn’t I allow for it?).

I let go of worrying about what other people think, and embraced being who I am. I let go of having to look, dress or act in any way that doesn’t feel good. In fact, in my work life I am either in yoga pants (yoga instructor) or scrubs (acupuncturist). I leave the house and basically wear pajamas all day. I prioritize comfort over fashion. I prioritize my own needs so that I can better serve others. I live with the idea that everyone is doing the best that they can with the tools that they have. Including myself.

In 2023, for my first annual Yoga Book Club Retreat* we read Self-Compassion: the Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself by Kristin Neff. Throughout the weekend we discussed the different aspects of this simple, yet powerful, life-changing book.

Dr. Neff breaks down Self-Compassion into 3 parts: Self-Kindness, Common Humanity, and Mindfulness. 

Self-Kindness is just what it sounds like, being kind to yourself. Talking to yourself like you would to someone you love. Being kind and gentle to yourself, rather than judgmental and critical. Letting your inner voice be loving rather than mean (why are we so mean to ourselves sometimes?!).

Common Humanity is the idea that we’re all in this together. I am not the only one feeling these feelings, or living this life, or making mistakes, or regretting decisions, or needing a break, or….We are all human. We all share the ability to feel pain, sadness, grief, fear, anxiety, joy, love, compassion, regret, and so much more. Knowing that you are not alone in being human makes it easier to be compassionate toward yourself.

Mindfulness is bringing attention to what is actually happening, rather than getting caught up in the stories that you make up of what is happening. When you are aware of your experience and can be objective about it, that is mindfulness. Often we make things bigger or smaller than they actually are. Noticing what is actually true is what mindfulness is all about.

When you combine these three things, you can find Self-Compassion.

Let’s say you were cleaning the kitchen and you dropped a mug and it broke.

Without employing Self-Compassion, you might yell at yourself, telling yourself how stupid you are, getting frustrated about how now the mug is now broken and you need to clean up all the pieces, etc. You might hem and haw, creating stories about how if you were only paying attention this wouldn’t have happened. You might get down on yourself, long after the incident is over, continuing your (unnecessary) suffering and self-punishment for (god forbid) making a mistake.

With Self-Compassion, Self-Kindness says it’s okay that you made a mistake, it was an accident. Common Humanity says everyone makes mistakes, things like this happen all the time. Mindfulness allows you to just clean up the broken pieces without making it a big to-do. You realize that it’s done, nothing will unbreak the mug, you might as well just keep going. No suffering.

Notice how the second scenario feels as compared to the first one. Something as simple as Self-Compassion can make a big difference in how you feel through everyday interactions, with others and with yourself.

When you can shift your self-talk from criticism to kindness, it will affect your mood and how your day goes. When you are mean to yourself all the time, you can feel depressed, unmotivated, worried about disappointing others, small, and isolated. When the verbal abuser lives inside your own head, there is no escape from the constant abuse. 

If you kick out your abuser and exchange them for a kinder, more compassionate voice, you will feel contentment, joy, and might even feel physically lighter. Allow for mistakes and treat yourself with kindness, like you would a small child. Make space for forgiveness, toward yourself and others. You are allowed to live your life with more peace, gentleness, kindness, and love. It’s all up to you.

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