Stillness Reduces Your Need to be Numb
Staying busy keeps you from feeling difficult emotions, but also keeps you disconnected from yourself
When you think about addictive behavior, you might think about drinking, drugs, gambling, or perhaps food. Have you ever thought about “busy?” I often talk about busyness as a common way for us Type As to numb ourselves. If you just stay busy, you don’t have to feel anything bad (or anything at all). This basically describes all of my 20s and much of my 30s.
When I was in my 20s and living in NYC, I bought roller blades because the subways didn’t get me around the city fast enough. I would race the busses up and downtown on my way to dance rehearsals, yoga classes, and teaching swimming. It’s amazing I am here to tell the tale.
My day was scheduled to the minute. I knew exactly how much time I needed to get from one place to the next. I would wake up, race through my day, then get home and crash, only to do it all again the next day.
This behavior continued when I moved back to Massachusetts for graduate school. Rather than doing the acupuncture track OR the herbal track, I did both (did I mention I was an overachiever too?). To say the least, my days were full.
All of this racing around and busyness kept me from noticing my feelings. As long as I kept moving, I didn’t have to feel. On the rare occasions that I did slow down, anxiety and depression were the dominant feelings. No one wants that, so I kept moving.
When I was 23, I started practicing yoga and meditation. My behavior didn’t change all at once, but slowly over time I noticed glimpses of space inside. Previously silence and stillness brought on uncomfortable racing thoughts about how I was failing life, was unlovable because I couldn’t be perfect, and how time was running out to have a family (I was 23…).
My thoughts weren’t this coherent at the time. Usually it was variations on how much I sucked and that no one wanted to be with me because I was “too much.” I tried to keep myself small and quiet, which in hindsight is what drove my anxiety and depression. I wasn’t living as my full self.
Stillness is the “cure” for busyness
Every yoga practice completes with a final pose: Savasana, or Corpse pose. In this final pose, you lie on the floor, completely still, and observe your breath. There’s nowhere to go and nothing to do. Just be and breathe. The idea is to let go of what was (beliefs or stories that no longer serve you) and to embrace what is (a more grounded and whole you). This new incarnation of yourself is who you take with you off the mat and into the rest of your day.
At first I struggled with Savasana because I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to be doing. Just lie here? That’s it? Aren’t we just wasting time? I’ve got places to go, people to see, things to do. I don’t have time to just lie here and do nothing!
After a few months, I learned to embrace the stillness, allowing my body to surrender to gravity and become one with the mat. Resting and being still for a few minutes didn’t take away from my time moving, it was a time to integrate and reflect on all that I did and learned on the mat in the previous 60-90 minutes.
It wasn’t until I explored meditation years later, however, that I found the true value of stillness: feeling the feelings that I was avoiding, and allowing my own internal wisdom to bubble to the surface.
I had spent so many years numbing my feelings with busyness, food, sex, and other things that stillness seemed scary at first. Feelings would come up and I didn’t know what to do with them. I remember once feeling a huge hole in my heart that had previously been filled with anger and sadness, and I didn’t know what to do with the empty space. It felt raw, like an open wound. My meditation teacher at the time helped be feel it and keep it safe. I learned to tolerate the sensation until it dissipated, and I felt lighter.
I felt embarrassed when I cried in class, but it would happen sometimes. I learned to just go with it. A lifetime of anger, grief, and beliefs that I thought were true released in waves. Sometimes the waves were small, other times, they would crash over me, leaving me heaving and sobbing. Afterwards I always feels a deep sense of quiet and peace.
When I get still, I notice and feel what is happening right now. Stillness unhooks me from my resistance to feeling. During the years I spent stuffing or hiding my feelings from myself, I always felt a low level depression, like something wasn’t right, but I didn’t have time to deal with what that might be. Stillness gives me the space to prioritize myself, even for a few moments, and let those feelings have a voice.
Feelings and emotions are information, they are neither good nor bad. They are trying to communicate something to you. When you listen to and acknowledge the anger, grief, fear, excitement, or whatever feeling you are having, it dissipates. It’s served it’s purpose.
In practice
Take a moment to sit comfortably, either in a chair, or on a cushion or rolled blanket on the floor. Close your eyes and let your hands rest on your lap. Take a few deep, slow breaths to settle your body and calm your mind.
Turn your attention to your heart center and notice what’s there. Maybe it feels tight or heavy, maybe open and free, maybe something else. No need to do anything about it, simply notice and feel. Give the sensation space to exist. Your goal is to tolerate the sensation that you feel, holding it without judgment.
After a few minutes, you may notice that the sensation isn’t as strong, or that you have trouble locating it at all. Stillness allows you to feel the feelings. It delivers its message to you and then releases, it’s purpose fulfilled.
You no longer require busyness or any other unskillful coping strategies to manage your feelings. They are no longer driving the car, you are.
More practice
If you are new to meditation, you might want to read the free eBook, “3 Myths About Meditation and Why it’s Easier Than You Think!” After years of hearing students struggle with meditation, saying “I can’t meditate, my brain won’t stop” or “I can’t sit still so I can’t meditate,” I decided to help. In this eBook I break down beliefs that keep you from trying or practicing meditation, plus there is a 6 minute guided meditation for you to try out. Click the button to get your copy of the free eBook!
Join me online every Monday 8-8:40am ET for Movement and Meditation at Purple Room Yoga! We do 20 minutes of gentle yoga movement and stretching followed by 20 minutes of both guided and silent meditation. My students proclaim that it’s the “best class ever” and the “perfect way to start the week.” Click the button below to sign up. I offer a 10 day free trial if you’d like to try for free!
Subscribe to the weekly newsletter to find out about classes, workshops, retreats, and more!
So true and beautifully said. Thank you for this reminder of how far I've come!! I was like you. Nonstop, for years. And now I can sit and breathe without freaking out about my feelings! Thank you for sharing!
You’re right about the business. And it’s even worse now that we can pack our phones around to fill every little scrap of time with screen. People even use their phones to meditate, so you have to think about setting a timer and getting the meditation track going. Then you wonder when the alarm is going to go off. Just sitting there is even harder.