I relate to this so much! I go into numbing mode a lot. It had become a default at some point and how hard it is to switch gears and let yourself feel. Feeling the old stuff can be so hard because it's related to something that is not happening right now. Thanks for sharing this post. I'm sure everyone has a similarly impactful situation from their past and it's in the sharing that we begin to recognize these things!
Awareness is always step 1. Knowing that you are numbing is key to stopping. It's a human thing to seek pleasure and avoid pain. It's how we're wired! But numbing leaves you numb. Feeling is so much better.
It’s such an important thing when we realize that the younger version of us needs comfort and/or to release grief. One of my mindfulness coaches once asked me to consider which version of “Kelly” is upset about a certain thing. Current, child, teen, etc. It was a game changing thought for me!
I’ve also found yoga so helpful at feeling my feelings and learning to experience grief and eventually let it go. Thank you for sharing your story.
The grief and pain we can feel caused by flawed parents flows through us during our lifetime. What resonated with you story Janine, was the recognition of those triggers and being able to take a breath to recognize what it is & being able to put it aside. I often say to myself, “Mom, I am putting you and you poor parenting to the side so I can be me. Just me with my own flaws, not the ones you inflicted when I needed someone to just love me.” I’m at ease with me & my flaws because I now know that I am loved & worthy of love just as I am. When I embrace that knowledge, I become a better person every time.
Reading this, I can't help thinking of the Faulkner quote, "The past isn't dead; it's not even past." I think about how the past (and potential future) keep intruding on my consciousness, as you described in this post. What I like about what you've written is that, in effect, what has happened in the past or will happen in the future is less significant than the fact that *we can't control* them. I wonder whether grief is all about the *acceptance* of that reality. The pain and redemption of grief lie in the surrender to that lack of control. It's about facing that truth, because it's the only way we can be present, the only way we can be here now. Thank you so much for what you've written.
Thanks Miguel. There a saying that says "grief is love that has nowhere to go." I think this applies when we lose people, but also to previous versions of ourselves that perhaps needed love but didn't get it. I love your idea about accepting reality. That's really everything, isn't it. When we accept what is, stress goes away and we can be with ease.
This was such a good reminder for me. Since my dad died in February I have been grappling with this. I’m definitely a phone/video game numb-er. When I try not to do that, such anxiety comes up for me that I can only tolerate it for a few minutes. There were logistical reasons I didn’t come to the last retreat, but if I’m being honest the biggest one was fear of having an experience like you had in your workshop. Aside from music performance, I can hardly tolerate being the center of attention like that, even loving attention, when I’m feeling emotionally regulated. When I’m not? No way. Hide me under a rock. I’ll keep working on it. 💜
Sending you big hugs, Sophie. Grief is such a hard feeling to feel, let alone feeling it publicly. I completely get that. You are not alone in that feeling. We don't do grief well in this country, especially in the Northeast US, where showing feelings of any kind is discouraged.
You deserve to feel your grief in any way that feels safe and useful to you. 💜
This is good Janine. When you write that we all have events in our lives that colour the way we see the world I can relate. Sometimes I’ll let my mind drift back to happier times and feelings I had as a child. So in reading the other part when you write, that noticing these feelings in your body tells you that your adult self may not be driving the car, it might be a younger version of you is, quite revealing, because I have never thought of it that way. Puts things into perspective. I’ve always been intrigued by Buddhism after reading this I may have to do some research.
Some of that is Buddhism, some is ideas that come from Internal Family Systems work, that we are made up of our younger parts. That's worth looking into too. When it comes to grief, there are many ways to see things. I'm glad it resonated, Pete.
I relate to this so much! I go into numbing mode a lot. It had become a default at some point and how hard it is to switch gears and let yourself feel. Feeling the old stuff can be so hard because it's related to something that is not happening right now. Thanks for sharing this post. I'm sure everyone has a similarly impactful situation from their past and it's in the sharing that we begin to recognize these things!
Awareness is always step 1. Knowing that you are numbing is key to stopping. It's a human thing to seek pleasure and avoid pain. It's how we're wired! But numbing leaves you numb. Feeling is so much better.
It’s such an important thing when we realize that the younger version of us needs comfort and/or to release grief. One of my mindfulness coaches once asked me to consider which version of “Kelly” is upset about a certain thing. Current, child, teen, etc. It was a game changing thought for me!
I’ve also found yoga so helpful at feeling my feelings and learning to experience grief and eventually let it go. Thank you for sharing your story.
Yes! I have found adult Janine is not always in charge, but she can retake control with mindfulness and awareness. Thanks for sharing your experience!
The grief and pain we can feel caused by flawed parents flows through us during our lifetime. What resonated with you story Janine, was the recognition of those triggers and being able to take a breath to recognize what it is & being able to put it aside. I often say to myself, “Mom, I am putting you and you poor parenting to the side so I can be me. Just me with my own flaws, not the ones you inflicted when I needed someone to just love me.” I’m at ease with me & my flaws because I now know that I am loved & worthy of love just as I am. When I embrace that knowledge, I become a better person every time.
Thanks for sharing, Heather. Absolutely! 💜
Reading this, I can't help thinking of the Faulkner quote, "The past isn't dead; it's not even past." I think about how the past (and potential future) keep intruding on my consciousness, as you described in this post. What I like about what you've written is that, in effect, what has happened in the past or will happen in the future is less significant than the fact that *we can't control* them. I wonder whether grief is all about the *acceptance* of that reality. The pain and redemption of grief lie in the surrender to that lack of control. It's about facing that truth, because it's the only way we can be present, the only way we can be here now. Thank you so much for what you've written.
Thanks Miguel. There a saying that says "grief is love that has nowhere to go." I think this applies when we lose people, but also to previous versions of ourselves that perhaps needed love but didn't get it. I love your idea about accepting reality. That's really everything, isn't it. When we accept what is, stress goes away and we can be with ease.
This was such a good reminder for me. Since my dad died in February I have been grappling with this. I’m definitely a phone/video game numb-er. When I try not to do that, such anxiety comes up for me that I can only tolerate it for a few minutes. There were logistical reasons I didn’t come to the last retreat, but if I’m being honest the biggest one was fear of having an experience like you had in your workshop. Aside from music performance, I can hardly tolerate being the center of attention like that, even loving attention, when I’m feeling emotionally regulated. When I’m not? No way. Hide me under a rock. I’ll keep working on it. 💜
Sending you big hugs, Sophie. Grief is such a hard feeling to feel, let alone feeling it publicly. I completely get that. You are not alone in that feeling. We don't do grief well in this country, especially in the Northeast US, where showing feelings of any kind is discouraged.
You deserve to feel your grief in any way that feels safe and useful to you. 💜
This is good Janine. When you write that we all have events in our lives that colour the way we see the world I can relate. Sometimes I’ll let my mind drift back to happier times and feelings I had as a child. So in reading the other part when you write, that noticing these feelings in your body tells you that your adult self may not be driving the car, it might be a younger version of you is, quite revealing, because I have never thought of it that way. Puts things into perspective. I’ve always been intrigued by Buddhism after reading this I may have to do some research.
Some of that is Buddhism, some is ideas that come from Internal Family Systems work, that we are made up of our younger parts. That's worth looking into too. When it comes to grief, there are many ways to see things. I'm glad it resonated, Pete.