Words in Your Head Will Make You or Break You. Be Kind.
Cultivating kindness and gentleness toward yourself
Yesterday I was reading a Substack that I adore, called Raising Myles. Marc Typo writes weekly letters to his now almost 2 year old son with vulnerability and love. He writes about his own history living as a black man in the United States and wants to impart his wisdom to his young son. It’s truly beautiful and I look forward to reading it every week.
This week he talked about going from the high of a wonderful conversation with a friend, to a low where he broke a glass cup. He got down on himself for it, calling himself names, and reflected on how he wanted to be kinder to himself.
He’s not alone, as many of us perfectionists talk to ourselves this way. I used to be like him, so critical and judgmental toward myself for the smallest things, ruminating for weeks about how I should have done things differently. It’s so easy to be hard on yourself, why is it so hard to be kind?
In my post “Are Your Thoughts Harmful to Yourself and Others,” I discussed the principle of Ahimsa, or Non-Harming. It can be summed up here:
Ahimsa, or Non-Harming, is the first of the 5 Yamas, the first limb of Yoga. It’s different from “Thou shalt not kill,” in the sense that harm can be caused in many ways, not just through murder. It’s possible to cause harm to others, and also to yourself, through varying degrees and various methods. Ahimsa refers to not causing harm in thought or action; not just what you do, but also how you think.
The words we choose affect us, whether we speak them out loud, write them down, or or simply think them to ourselves. Words describe what we feel and how experience in our lives. Words can excite, demean, create connection, create betrayal, and they can also help us understand ourselves better.
When I was younger, I wasn’t aware of how critical I was toward myself. The thoughts were in my head, and I felt down about myself, but I didn’t realize that I could change how I spoke to myself. I was never good enough, smart enough, thin enough, “whatever” enough for my own standards. The words in my head were often cruel, shaming, and critical. Setting down my own perfectionism played a huge part in my being kinder to myself.
The words in my head were not all mine, they often came from other people’s mouths. Parents, teachers, friends all had opinions and I believed that they were true. Their ideas lived in my head, causing me harm. Through practicing yoga and meditation, I started to look at my thoughts and beliefs, and noticed how mean I was to myself. We all make mistakes. When you can own the mistake, I have found it’s easier to be kinder and more compassionate toward yourself.
Making mistakes is part of being human. Perfect doesn’t exist, no matter how hard you work. It doesn’t matter how many hours you spend reading and rereading a document, there is bound to be a typo or error of some sort. You might trip and fall and hurt yourself. It doesn’t mean you are stupid or clumsy, it means you tripped and fell and hurt yourself. That’s it.
Self-Kindness is hard at first
Because I spent years being mean to myself, it took a while to unlearn that habit, though thankfully not as long. Like anything worth doing, Self-Kindness takes practice. The first step is awareness. With awareness comes the power over yourself to change what you are doing. Without awareness, nothing can change.
When you notice yourself being critical toward yourself, pause. Breathe. Notice what you are saying to yourself. Then ask yourself, are these words actually true? Are they kind? Would you talk this way with someone you love? Chances are, the answer to all of these questions is no.
Why are we so mean to ourselves? We are the only one listening in there, afterall. Kindness feels better, but it’s not the go-to. Kindness is a practice, and when you do a kind thing for yourself every day, it gets easier. Anytime you notice yourself being mean to yourself, see if you can switch it to something kind. Eventually, Kindness will be your default.
You are not an idiot, you made a mistake. You were and are doing the best you can, and that’s all you can do. Your best is enough.
You are not “too much” or a burden if you have feelings. You are human, humans have feelings. You might not be able to share them with everyone in your life, but that’s a matter of their ability to hold your feelings, not an issue of you having them. There is nothing wrong with you for having a big, feeling heart.
It’s okay if your project isn’t perfect. It’s okay if you aren’t perfect. Perfect doesn’t exist, but gentleness does. Kindness does. Compassion does. And you deserve all of these things.
Ahimsa, Karuna, and Satya
These three yoga principles might help you quiet the verbal abuser living in your head so that you feel more settled. Ahimsa (Non-Harming), Karuna (Compassion), and Satya (Truth) bring more peace and ease to the both the body and mind. First they exist in the mind, then you feel their effects in the body.
Ahimsa teaches you to be kind to yourself and others, in thoughts, words, and actions. Practicing Self-Kindness is practicing Ahimsa. Eating foods that support your body is Ahimsa. Getting enough sleep and exercising to improve your overall health is also Ahimsa. You deserve to treat yourself like you matter. Because you do.
Karuna, especially Self-Compassion, helps you understand that you are not alone in your humanness and imperfection. According to Kristin Neff1, Self-Compassion is made up of three parts: Self-Kindness, Common Humanity, and Mindfulness. I love the second one, Common Humanity. When you recognize that you are not the only person on the planet who has done what you did or feels like you feel, you feel less alone. It’s easier to be kinder to yourself under those circumstances. Mindfulness brings attention to your self-talk and allows you to change it.
Satya, helps you see that the stories you are telling yourself are not actually true. You are not the worst person ever. You are not dumb. You are not careless. You do care, you are smart, and there are many people in this world who behave worse than you do. Telling yourself the truth about yourself, what is really True, is freedom. So often we get stuck in the beliefs that we hold as true, rather than believing what is actually true. These beliefs hold us back. The Truth, as they say, will set you free.
The past is done, the future is not yet set. All we have is this moment.
In this moment, use your words to be kind and loving toward yourself. Maybe write a poem or a song. Maybe write a love letter to yourself in your journal. You deserve to love yourself, because you are worth loving.
Some Fun Events at Purple Room Yoga!
May 17: Day of Silence—a one day silent yoga and meditation retreat. Wayland, MA
Saturdays in June: Yoga and Walking—each week a different walk in the woods with yoga and stretching before and after. Metrowest MA
Mon/Wed/Fri in June: Summer Yoga Kickoff! 15 minute classes to kickoff your yoga practice for the Summer. Online event, take classes live or on demand.
Click the links above for more details or to sign up! I teach yoga classes, both on and off the mat, for active adults looking to stay active with yoga! I’ll see you in class soon!
From Kristin Neff’s book Self-Compassion: the Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself
100%! I say very often, “Would you tell your 4 year old self that?”
A great post, Janine. The ideas contained therein cannot be stated often enough. It's a shame that humanity believes in separation - me from you, me from God, me from myself. The sense of separation creates distance and fragmentation in the mind. Kudos for this excellent kick in the pants!