What Do You Do When You Feel "Not Enough?"
Some mindset shifts to get you back on track
If you are a human being living in a capitalistic society, chances are at some point in your life, you’ve felt like you weren’t enough. Not good enough, tall enough, thin enough, strong enough, smart enough, etc. The list goes on and on.
In school we learn to analyze, compare, and contrast. Helpful skills when doing math problems, studying literature or history, or understanding science. However, if you are constantly comparing and contrasting yourself to other people, it’s no longer helpful.
We often see people on social media showing us one moment in time, leaving us to infer that their life is like that all the time. Maybe it’s a moment they are proud of, like a vacation, or a graduation, or some other accomplishment, but that is not their daily life. It’s just the shiny, happy version they want to put forward. We are all traveling different paths in this life, and will have different experiences. Someone else’s journey is not your journey, so how they got where they are is different from how you got to where you are right now.
There is a saying: comparison is the thief of joy. When you constantly compare yourself to others, you lessen your ability to appreciate all of your own gifts. It is easy for those feelings of “not enough” to bubble to the surface.
Here’s the thing:
What people show on social media is a snapshot and not their full life. They don’t show you the times when their kid is having a tantrum in the supermarket, or they forgot an important meeting, or their car broke down, or their water heater broke, or they woke up with bedhead and no makeup.
Life happens to everyone. It’s not all sunshine and rainbows (wouldn’t that be lovely?). What matters is that you stay in your lane and don’t believe everything you see.
Mindset shifts
Thankfully, you have control some control over your thoughts. While you can’t control the actual thoughts that come into your head, you CAN control what you do with your thoughts. Robert Fulghum said “Don’t believe everything you think.” There is some serious truth to that.
Questions to ask: Is it true that I am not enough? What is enough? Enough according to whom?
Growing up, my mom was very concerned with what “they”thought. She would ask me, “do they do that Janine?” or “do they wear those?” I’m not entirely sure who “they” were, but their opinion was extremely important. I didn’t care what they though, I had my own opinions and expressed them. Often loudly.
What I have learned is that what “they” think is none of your business. What anyone else thinks about you is more about them than it is about you. Comparing yourself to some unknown idea is extremely anxiety provoking. How can you live up to someone else’s standards when you don’t know what they are? You can’t control anything about that situation, therefore: anxiety.
So I ask again, enough for whom? Who is this person defining for you what enough is or looks like. What are your beliefs about your “enoughness” and are they ACTUALLY true, or do you just believe them to be true?
I used to think that I was both too much and not enough simultaneously. I don’t really understand the physics on how that worked, but that’s how I felt. My feelings were too big and I was a burden to everyone around me, yet I also wasn’t good enough or worthy enough to be loved because I wasn’t perfect. These were deeply felt beliefs that I held for decades.
What I have come to realize (through years of therapy, meditation, and journaling) is that I am just the right amount for me. I might have had emotions that were too big for my parents, but not too big for me. I feel things deeply, that is part of who I am. It’s not my job to change myself to make other people more comfortable. Been there, done that. It sucks. 0/10, Don’t recommend.
What is enough?
We all have voices in our heads telling us about our worthiness. These are beliefs and not necessarily true. We’ve absorbed these stories from our childhoods and our lives based on other people’s reactions. We’ve made assumptions about who we are based on those assumptions. While these beliefs may have served you as a child to help you survive your childhood, you no longer need to just survive. You made it. You are now an adult in charge of your own life. You can let go of those old beliefs that no longer serve you and ask yourself: Are you enough for you?
That is the question that deserves a resounding YES! You might not be there yet, and that’s okay. Start by looking at your beliefs and asking if they are actually true, or are they based on someone else’s inability to handle their own feelings around you. Not all adults are emotionally mature, even though they are our parents.
You matter. You are worthy, just for existing. You deserve to be here exactly as much as everyone else. Please believe that. You are enough, in exactly the right amount.
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Hi, I’m Janine, owner of Purple Room Yoga, an online yoga studio for active adults over 50 looking to stay active and cross-train for life! I teach yoga, meditation, stretching, and mindful core classes, live online and on demand, as well as courses, workshops, and retreats! To stay up to date on all the things, click this link to subscribe to the weekly newsletter! Thank you so much for being here and reading to the end!
I could've written this as I can relate too well to this